I awoke this morning (late) from an perplexing dream:
I was in the old house, in Phoenix, in the office working on something or other. Though I am not certain, it seems like mom still owned the house, but only I lived in it. And suddenly I heard scuffling inside, and a young man I recognized but could not name, showed up and threatened my life. With him were four zombies -- or at least I call them that, but they're far from our cultural depiction of zombies. They were crazed, people like the hunchback witch or the delirious natives -- and they gave you that same sort of creepy 'join us or die' feeling. Their bodies were decaying (which is what has me call them 'zombies') and their skin was grey, decaying and bloody and their teeth and fingernails were yellowed. They were under the command of this commander who had invaded my home, and he was offering me some sort of Morton's Fork for my allegiance. He would give me time to decide, but it was clear that when he came back it would be for keeps and that he was showing me a grace not ordinarily showed to his other victims. I also remember thinking that he had ambitions to make the entire world into zombies, I think because it would allow him power not only over everyone, but in a way and to a depth he was really trying to get at. It would open a door for him that he was really after, but whatever that would be is a card that was he played too close to his vest for me to know -- for the moment his threat of join us or die were clear.
We had various bits of our extended conversation in many rooms across the house, I remember what happened vaguely in each, but I don't think the dream made any attempt at showing the transitions from room to room, so even though I understood them to be one continuous dealing with this commander, it was broken up into many different scenes. In one instance, he had left the room, and in lack of his command, the zombies pressed in on me to attack, threatening to either smother me or devour me. I was saved by the returning commander who ordered them off of me (it wasn't time yet, I had to have time to make my choice). In another instance, while he was talking, a conniving zombie with a mischievous grin (who was standing uncomfortably close) kept trying to scratch me with his nails so as to infect me. The commander noticed, but did nothing to stop him as it was not a direct attack, and continued talking. It was clear to me that I was alive on his graces. I also, have just the faintest memory of a white and gold city that I was a defender of, and that I must make sure the Commander did not know about -- but this detail seems like a distant thread, and less related to the actual story. If this were real, it'd be the sort of detail that exists at the far back of a character's mind, but would usually not make the retelling.
As the commander and I wrapped up our conversation, he escorted me from the premises and out into the culdesac where it became clear that mine was not the only house on the street under attack. In fact, a zombie army, each with a commander, was invading each home in the neighborhood, and parked askew out front where the large military vehicles that had transported them there. I remember determining to myself, even before we left, that I would build a resistance after he left and that I would do so secretly. Undoubtedly the zombies would return, and I could think of only one place to hide, and that is the roof - zombies, as it's known, cannot climb things and like the humans that become them, are not naturally inclined to look up. There was a particular spot on the flat bit over the porch I knew, that with minimal modification I could build, via tarps, etc a small shelter that would be close to unnoticeable from the ground, and that would keep me out of the house when the zombies returned to find me -- they would conclude that I had fled, and I would be safe.
As we reached the corner, another commander had just gotten out of his jeep, a tall black man with dreads holding an assault rifle, stormed the house I had just come out of with at least twice/three times the number of zombies that had initially come to visit me. It was clear that their intentions were not as 'nice' as my commanders and they killed everyone remaining in the house. I remember asking the commander what was happening -- and his saying something that implied he had saved me, but that others were not so lucky (it was just him and I now). Knowing that the LORD had used this commander to deliver me my life, I stopped right there, put a hand on the commanders shoulder, and prayed aloud a prayer of thanks to God for delivering me from death at the hands of the merciful commander, that death had passed me over.
After this, there was a brief conversation I had with a neighbor where we observed how quickly and easily our street has been taken over. Someone had just rolled in with an invasion force and our defenses (which only expected the occasional mercenary or antagonist) were overwhelmed.
And now the dream skips ahead, though again, feeling completely continuous. It was now time to build the shelter, and the house no longer had the same floor plan as it did when we lived there, it was in many ways a different house. It had at least 2 floors, each full, and perhaps a third above that. Numerous stair ways and rooms were present, and the spot on the roof that I intended to build the shelter on was still accessible. There were also all kinds of people, many whom I did not recognize walking the hallways and going from room to room as if this was their house too (a place they had come and made home out of as refugees perhaps, but not their original home). Standing out in the backyard with my friend Zechariah, I remember clearly trying to figure out with him how we would build the shelter. Unlike our real roof, a system of beams already existed that would make the building of the shelter much easier, and a good amount of loose wood (like drift wood on the beach, but darker) was on the roof also in disarray. There had been a previous shelter here that we would be rebuilding and expanding. I also remember going into the house after figuring with Zech, and seeing Chris and Rebecca, and asking Chris if he would join our shelter and Chris said that so long as our facilities here would have adequate training grounds, he and his family were in. (I remembered that he had previously mentioned that he preferred to be at his own house due to his familiarity with it, with would give him an advantage over intruders as he fought with his sword (quite a bit like Fox's Nagamaki)). As I walked back towards the outside, I saw a number of rooms that I had not noticed before, a huge room with open doorways at the four corners, and a sand floor (for sparing? Or practice?) In my dream I knew it was primarily to build strength and endurance. Other rooms seemed to contain various tools, etc -- I realized that this house, this facility, would have everything we needed to not only hide, but fight, when they returned.
On the way out, and on the second floor, I ran into my dad, who gave me my rifle and pistol (both 22s). The rifle I seem to remember, was either not working or not of interest, but the pistol was able to take the rifle's 10-round cartridge in the bottom just like the rifle, and with live ammo I returned to the backyard. As I made a loop around the backyard, I noticed that there were people all over the backyard, and most of them were children in little circles or running around and playing. As I made my lap, I found 4 baby moose (perhaps one of them was mom) with fuzzy and almost-flimsy antlers who some of the children were playing with. They would stay in our shelter also, and I realized that as they grew, they would be able to provide us milk for dairy, butter, and especially cheese. (A moose had somehow appeared earlier as a sign of strength and deliverance, but I don't remember how) Good, I thought, these are God's provision for us, the pieces are coming together. I also walked within touching distance of a fierce and rather large golden eagle, who one child was trying to convince to hold still long enough so as to nab one of its feathers. (His feathers were very golden in color, not just 'golden' brownish). He was regal too, and barely moved as I passed.
Having walked out in the yard far enough, I sighted my pistol and fired, and experienced the strangest thing ever. The round came out in slow motion, falling towards the ground much faster than gravity would normally allow, but in addition, by moving the pistol I could swing the bullet around like it was on the tip of a pole, and redirect its path in flight. I watched as this bullet buried itself in a small gopher hole not 6 feet away. Waiting for the children in the neighbors yard to move out of the way, I fired another at the far side of the yard, and though it went further, it still dropped off only about 60 feet off. Still, I was able to control it in the same way I had the other one, and noticed that even though the bullet traveled in slow motion, it contained the same amount of force/stopping power, and that in someway I was only beginning to understand, I could control not only it's path, but it's speed perhaps, or even -- as strange as it sounds -- intention. Then, there was some kind of summons and as we all headed towards the house, I fired out last shot at the back fence, trying to figure it out, and willing it to go the full distance. It did, straight as an arrow, leaving the same gossamer trail in the air the others had (similar to the sniper rifles in Halo) that faded from view as soon as the bullet struck it's target. Then I woke up.
I admit the dream is strange, but if you're willing to read further, there are a number of things about it that are perplexing. For one, I made decisions in the dream far more lucidly and with a presence of mind and heart I almost never have in dreams, and further, after I woke up I was able to recall nearly all of it, even to this afternoon as I write this post. I also had, upon waking, an extraordinary amount of peace and presence of mind, even though I was late to work because my alarm wasn't set (which is odd in itself considering that my alarm doesn't unset unless you tell it to). Getting to work, I started talking to Fox about the dream over text, and he brought up that it might be from the Lord, especially given the number of peculiar but vivid signs all throughout. I had already been thinking this to myself, and brought it up to Chris as a 'I had this weird dream last night'. For fun, Chris looked up zombies in the bible, and stumbled across this little diddy that quotes a verse from Zechariah. The zombies, if you want to call them that, in that passage, describe exactly what I saw in my dream -- and I didn't even know about this passage or had ever read it before today. And then, in this crazy little God moment, I realized that my friend Zechariah (who spells in his name exactly like the prophet) was very clearly in my dream and almost for no reason.
Silence.
Like, God had totally told me to listen to Zechariah before we even knew about the verse! This gets our thoughts going during our Jesus meeting, during which I get a vision of a glass bottle (symbolizing a message I think) arriving to us today, and a warning (shown visually) of a shear that came down and cut the bottle in half (which cut like plexiglass, but looked and felt like glass). God was saying (and we all felt it), I have something for you today, pay attention, and don't get in the way. We asked Jesus to reveal to us what it might be, but he was rather coy about it, and only said, 'listen like I told you to'. So here we are. Out of this meeting, Fox also realized another zinger: The Foxes and I have a long and affectionate gag about my being their eldest son, and in many ways I kinda function like an older son who's gone off to college. I come home for dinner every Monday night, I spend time with my younger brothers playing Civ, and their parents have my ear as people I respect and often talk to when I'm confused or hurting. Funny enough, that last night, just before nodding off, Fox (without specifying which ones) prayed that his sons might receive dreams from the Lord. Looks like God is prepared to operate along the spiritual realities at work even before we are.
Now it's lunchtime, and the events and facts surrounding this dream heavily implicate the supernatural, and seem to bear the unique markings of God and his style. Though you could dismiss all of these events as coincidence (as skeptics often do), In my experience with miracles and the supernatural, they're almost never the sort of things that are flashy or surrounded by bright light like on Touched By An Angel -- most often they're these little bits and touches of God's power and direction that if you weren't paying attention would be really easy to miss, almost like shooting stars -- they almost always seem to show up just out of the corner of your eye and by the time you turn your head, they're gone. And the best way to catch one of those, is to stare at the same spot for awhile -- but even then they're easy to miss, yet there are hundreds over your head every night, most of them -- if you manage to catch them -- plainly visible. Though I'm still interpreting the dream in my own head and heart (realizing that very often, God's symbols have multiple meanings), I share it with you to encourage you that Aslan is on the move today, and even though I don't know all of how (He told me to listen), God is up to something.
It also helps that this theme of a safe house, a shelter and safety for God's people in difficult (and perhaps the end of) times has been one that God has talked to both us and others about through at least one other direct prophecy and the more normative voice-in-the-heart talks, all to people who didn't know about the others, and who have come to this same conclusion. Also, Chris has a meeting today with Bob about Soma, and we'll see where it goes -- but in my own childlike heart I hope very fervently that this is part of what God is up to today. Either way, whatever my Daddy does today will be good, and I look forward with open eyes and open hands to see what it may be.
Friday, November 7
Sunday, August 10
New Wineskins
"No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. If he does, the new piece will pull away from the old, making the tear worse. And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, he pours new wine into new wineskins." - Jesus, Mark 2:21-22
So I have to have read this verse a thousand times before, but last night as I prayed, 'Lord speak to me what I need to hear, even if I won't like it', this is what he brought me to. It really kinda hit me. Because I realize that I'm frusterated at some of the patterns and cycles of failure in my life, and sometimes I want to get frustrated at God for those things. 'You promise to help me why am I still failing?' Or in my less childish moments, 'Why can't I seem to get this under control?' And I got to thinkin' that perhaps Jesus is trying to give me new wine, but I haven't gotten new wineskins yet. I've known for a long time that Jesus is the one who has to change my heart on things, to heal it from its brokenness. No amount of human effort will change the deep brokennesses we all cary. But once you realize that, the temptation is sit back and ask Jesus why he hasn't finished the project yet. What's the deal -- you're supposed to be fixing my heart.
But that's not the way it works.
You can't expect God's new life for you to fit inside your old habits and ways of living. It's true that Jesus is going to bring new life and revive and restore what you could not have yourself, but you've gotta provide the infrastructure for that life to continue living and growing in you. I've been sittin' watching this new life try to turn over and get started, but I haven't been willing to do the hard work myself -- to change my bad habits and behavior. Huh.
Lord forgive me for my laziness and for my love of what you tell me will destroy me.
New wineskins for new wine... Sounds like a good deal to me.
So I have to have read this verse a thousand times before, but last night as I prayed, 'Lord speak to me what I need to hear, even if I won't like it', this is what he brought me to. It really kinda hit me. Because I realize that I'm frusterated at some of the patterns and cycles of failure in my life, and sometimes I want to get frustrated at God for those things. 'You promise to help me why am I still failing?' Or in my less childish moments, 'Why can't I seem to get this under control?' And I got to thinkin' that perhaps Jesus is trying to give me new wine, but I haven't gotten new wineskins yet. I've known for a long time that Jesus is the one who has to change my heart on things, to heal it from its brokenness. No amount of human effort will change the deep brokennesses we all cary. But once you realize that, the temptation is sit back and ask Jesus why he hasn't finished the project yet. What's the deal -- you're supposed to be fixing my heart.
But that's not the way it works.
You can't expect God's new life for you to fit inside your old habits and ways of living. It's true that Jesus is going to bring new life and revive and restore what you could not have yourself, but you've gotta provide the infrastructure for that life to continue living and growing in you. I've been sittin' watching this new life try to turn over and get started, but I haven't been willing to do the hard work myself -- to change my bad habits and behavior. Huh.
Lord forgive me for my laziness and for my love of what you tell me will destroy me.
New wineskins for new wine... Sounds like a good deal to me.
Da update
I've had so many thoughts rollin' around in my head recently that to get them all down seems to be at least a little daunting -- and then as soon as you click on the lights to really get at it, they all scatter leaving me stuttering at the keyboard. I'll start with the happenins, since that's easier:
I just got home from an awesome vacation to visit my family in Arizona. The girl got to come along, which was a real special deal because she doesn't get to see the family down there that often, nor they her. We started off with just a long (and hot!) drive to Colorado in mum's new Accord, headin' for a log cabin in the woods there, and after a day of travel, got to spend a few days just resting, playing board and card games, and enjoying the cooling afternoon Colorado rains that would sweep over us as they passed the continental divide. On one of our last days we took a 3 mile hike through the woods to a 300 foot waterfall. Together with the grass, the mountain ranges, the trees, it's hard to tell if the altitude is the only thing taking your breath away. Once you're at the waterfall, you can climb up a narrower trail and some steep, steep rocks-of-doom to rest behind the waterfall itself about midway up its height. The view is stunning and how often do you get to sit and enjoy God's creation from behind a crystal clear and cool waterfall? We also managed to make it down sans injury which is impressive considering the angle and slipperiness of the rock we climbed up to get there. After we got home that night, it was so good just to rest with that sense of accomplishment and peace that comes from a hike like that.
After another day of travel, we had a few days in Phoenix to spend with family and catch up with some friends before heading back to the Northwest. Rachael and I were very glad to get to see Cody and his relatively new bride Andrea (the last time I was in Arizona it was for their wedding). Andrea and especially Cody have this incredible gift of telling stories so that you could just sit and listen to them for hours about that one time, or when such-and-such happened. It's also good to get to know Andrea better -- though Cody is a long-time friend I didn't really know Andrea until their wedding, so it's good to get to know her better too. It's no secret that I hope both of them will move up here; little visits like these remind me how good of friends they are and how much I miss them and treasure them. We also got to see Brenda, who's recently finished message therapy school, gotten her license, and armed with a chair and table, started to work up a client base. While we had a good visit with her, the apparent sadness behind her eyes reminded me how hard and lonely life is for some of my friends down south, and how my life was much the same while I was there. I've never been able to figure out the sense of oppression and dullness I get when I visit that city, but something seems to hang over the air there that sucks the life out of it. It's at least an item for prayer.
Returning to the Northwest by plane yesterday, it was good to be back in cooler and greener air, not to mention home. Though I'm not sure I'm ready to return to work and business, I'm glad to be back amongst my closest friends and back in familiar surroundings and communities. Church was especially powerful today, as God leads our church family through a real honest and painful process of breaking off our addictions and bondages, of shutting the door to the enemy, I can't help but be excited as we find not only more individual freedom, but more collective freedom as a body. I'm also really excited for how God is moving in some of the elder's and leader's of the church's hearts concerning healing and miracles. God is slowly and surely bringing revival and freedom to my church, and I am deeply excited, pleased, and at peace with what is going on. God has worked with us a lot to form a closeness with each other so that we can all be a real honest-to-goodness family, and move past the 'smile because you're in church' phase. We're real with each other, we're honest, we genuinely care about and know each other, but now God is training us to be an army -- to take that unity He's fostered and put a purpose, vision, and momentum behind it.
It rocks.
I love every bit of it, and I'm excited to be obedient to what's going on.
Which.. all said and done leads me to tonight, with all these thoughts still jumbling around in my head. Since each is best put into it's own entry, I'll try and break them up as I see fit over the next few and as I find myself able to write. God is doing some really awesome stuff in my writer's heart also -- and kinda wiz-banged-revealed-via-His-spirit a significant portion of the story I'm writing while I was away. I feel more motivated than I have in a long time to sit down and chip away at it. I feel like I finally have enough of an understanding of that world and how it's people and cultures work that I can reasonably allow the events to unfold naturally. But more on that and other thoughts to come. For now I am thankful for a God-filled and blessed vacation, and am treasuring the last few hours I have of it before tomorrow.
Thank you Jesus - For everything.
I just got home from an awesome vacation to visit my family in Arizona. The girl got to come along, which was a real special deal because she doesn't get to see the family down there that often, nor they her. We started off with just a long (and hot!) drive to Colorado in mum's new Accord, headin' for a log cabin in the woods there, and after a day of travel, got to spend a few days just resting, playing board and card games, and enjoying the cooling afternoon Colorado rains that would sweep over us as they passed the continental divide. On one of our last days we took a 3 mile hike through the woods to a 300 foot waterfall. Together with the grass, the mountain ranges, the trees, it's hard to tell if the altitude is the only thing taking your breath away. Once you're at the waterfall, you can climb up a narrower trail and some steep, steep rocks-of-doom to rest behind the waterfall itself about midway up its height. The view is stunning and how often do you get to sit and enjoy God's creation from behind a crystal clear and cool waterfall? We also managed to make it down sans injury which is impressive considering the angle and slipperiness of the rock we climbed up to get there. After we got home that night, it was so good just to rest with that sense of accomplishment and peace that comes from a hike like that.
After another day of travel, we had a few days in Phoenix to spend with family and catch up with some friends before heading back to the Northwest. Rachael and I were very glad to get to see Cody and his relatively new bride Andrea (the last time I was in Arizona it was for their wedding). Andrea and especially Cody have this incredible gift of telling stories so that you could just sit and listen to them for hours about that one time, or when such-and-such happened. It's also good to get to know Andrea better -- though Cody is a long-time friend I didn't really know Andrea until their wedding, so it's good to get to know her better too. It's no secret that I hope both of them will move up here; little visits like these remind me how good of friends they are and how much I miss them and treasure them. We also got to see Brenda, who's recently finished message therapy school, gotten her license, and armed with a chair and table, started to work up a client base. While we had a good visit with her, the apparent sadness behind her eyes reminded me how hard and lonely life is for some of my friends down south, and how my life was much the same while I was there. I've never been able to figure out the sense of oppression and dullness I get when I visit that city, but something seems to hang over the air there that sucks the life out of it. It's at least an item for prayer.
Returning to the Northwest by plane yesterday, it was good to be back in cooler and greener air, not to mention home. Though I'm not sure I'm ready to return to work and business, I'm glad to be back amongst my closest friends and back in familiar surroundings and communities. Church was especially powerful today, as God leads our church family through a real honest and painful process of breaking off our addictions and bondages, of shutting the door to the enemy, I can't help but be excited as we find not only more individual freedom, but more collective freedom as a body. I'm also really excited for how God is moving in some of the elder's and leader's of the church's hearts concerning healing and miracles. God is slowly and surely bringing revival and freedom to my church, and I am deeply excited, pleased, and at peace with what is going on. God has worked with us a lot to form a closeness with each other so that we can all be a real honest-to-goodness family, and move past the 'smile because you're in church' phase. We're real with each other, we're honest, we genuinely care about and know each other, but now God is training us to be an army -- to take that unity He's fostered and put a purpose, vision, and momentum behind it.
It rocks.
I love every bit of it, and I'm excited to be obedient to what's going on.
Which.. all said and done leads me to tonight, with all these thoughts still jumbling around in my head. Since each is best put into it's own entry, I'll try and break them up as I see fit over the next few and as I find myself able to write. God is doing some really awesome stuff in my writer's heart also -- and kinda wiz-banged-revealed-via-His-spirit a significant portion of the story I'm writing while I was away. I feel more motivated than I have in a long time to sit down and chip away at it. I feel like I finally have enough of an understanding of that world and how it's people and cultures work that I can reasonably allow the events to unfold naturally. But more on that and other thoughts to come. For now I am thankful for a God-filled and blessed vacation, and am treasuring the last few hours I have of it before tomorrow.
Thank you Jesus - For everything.
Sunday, June 29
Blessings
This weekend absolutely rocked my socks off. And you know, it was all in the simple things. Rachael and I talk alot about who we want to be and what we want to spend our time doing, but we've really struggled (as I'm sure anyone has) to ever do any of the things you say you want to. This weekend we lived our hearts, and whatda know - it felt great.
On Saturday we started off by seeing off our friends who came to visit us for the weekend (or part of it), and taking Rachael to work. I always love when I can start my day seeing Rachael, because it always gives my heart something to smile about right at the beginning of the day. I treasure the time we get together, and it's neat to have someone so close to you, that you can just enjoy their presence whatever it is you're going and doing -- even if it's driving to work.
While she was at work, I got a great chance to catch up with my friend Darrick. Darrick has got to be one of the most quality people I know and he's probably the best friend I've got. He's extraordinarily patient and available to listen to both what's going on in my life and to help me sort through it, and he's one of the few people that I can go to with no answers and opinions, but only questions, and he'll help me sort things out. He also has a great and humble way of keeping me on course and correcting my stubborn spirit when it needs it. For the very stubborn, insistent, and opinionated guy that I'm finding I can be sometimes, I've come to realize what a great guy Darrick is, who often receives the brunt of all three. Though I didn't get to hear as much about his life as I woulda liked, it was a good chance to catch up; he's going to travel down here for the forth, and I'm really going to treasure the chance to sit down with him and make some new memories.
Just before noon, Rachael got off work, which was amazing because she was supposed to work till 5, and we were going to go down the river and get out on a kayak into God's playground. That was, until we pressed Dory's (Dory is my car's name) 'show me the outside temperature' button and it read 99 degrees. Are you kidding me? By the time we got home it read 104. Rachael and I looked at each other and thought about being out on a kayak in that kinda heat, and decided that was probably a bad idea. So instead, we brought the Wii to Monkeys and enjoyed the cool air and big screen TV for awhile. Rachael surprised me with a copy of Lego Indiana Jones, which is basically the coolest game ever, and we played through the 1st level and read some of Narnia (both of us have never read the Narnia books and want to read through them, so we're doing it together and having a blast). If there's any game that'll teach good communication skills it's that game -- but we had fun.
Then Saturday night we drove up to Cinetopia in Vancouver and met Darrick to see Wall-e. Now for those of you who haven't seen it I'll restrict my review, but oh man -- Wall-e is one of the best movies I've seen in ages -- it was just really really great. Rachael and I loved every minute of it and want to go see it again. Apart from being adorable, Wall-e has a lotta insight to offer into the consumerism, comfort, and the other illnesses that plaque our American culture. It's a must see.
Now to today: Church was great, and honestly I'm going to have to recommend that you find today's sermon and listen to it (which you can do here), because our pastor spoke some incredible things about the role of the holy spirit in our lives. And I applaud him for being so direct, because he pointed out that the church was founded on the works of the holy spirit and that without him we're just wasting our time. You can't get by on 2/3 of the trinity.
I also was prayed over and I was specifically hoping to recieve the gift of tongues since that's a thing I've wanted and never experienced, at least I don't think I have... not in full. But my full thoughts on that belong in another post :)
After church Rachael came home, ate amazing Mac and Cheese, and tried some more to save the world (we did manage to finish another level). And we ended off the night eating dinner with her family (a tri-tip roast... sooooo good) and getting some real time to catch up. I love Rachael's family and I love getting the chances to hang out with them and slowly become one of them. There's a lot of wit in her family and it makes me smile just to watch them interact and love on each other.
And finally I said good night to Rachael and came on home to catch up with some friends and write these posts. I'm amazed how good of time I have when I spend it with my gal -- it'd be almost easy to take for granted how much we can enjoy each other just runnin' errands, playing Wii, reading Narnia, going to movie, or just sitting on the couch without saying a word, until you realize that you couldn't have that good of time with anybody else doing those things. Like not even close. I can really be myself, and it's just such a blessing. I'm also blessed with such an amazing and quality woman of God who both experience and testimony tells me (not to mention my own heart!) is a very very rare find. She is indeed a crown on my head, and she deserves all the praise I can heap on her (and probably a little more :).
I hope all of your weekends were good and restful in their own ways. I know that some of us had birthdays this weekend and I hope that was just a great time. I also know that rest and peace is a theme that God has been workin with many people on recently -- cleaning out the old gunk and setting us free to walk in joy. I hope this was a restful and good weekend for you and I'm really excited to hear how's He's moving in each of you -- I know it just feels like He's on the move recently, and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm also excited to share it in such a great community. Thank you friends -- for sharing the adventure and for being such faithful companions along the way. I treasure each of you.
Blessings.
On Saturday we started off by seeing off our friends who came to visit us for the weekend (or part of it), and taking Rachael to work. I always love when I can start my day seeing Rachael, because it always gives my heart something to smile about right at the beginning of the day. I treasure the time we get together, and it's neat to have someone so close to you, that you can just enjoy their presence whatever it is you're going and doing -- even if it's driving to work.
While she was at work, I got a great chance to catch up with my friend Darrick. Darrick has got to be one of the most quality people I know and he's probably the best friend I've got. He's extraordinarily patient and available to listen to both what's going on in my life and to help me sort through it, and he's one of the few people that I can go to with no answers and opinions, but only questions, and he'll help me sort things out. He also has a great and humble way of keeping me on course and correcting my stubborn spirit when it needs it. For the very stubborn, insistent, and opinionated guy that I'm finding I can be sometimes, I've come to realize what a great guy Darrick is, who often receives the brunt of all three. Though I didn't get to hear as much about his life as I woulda liked, it was a good chance to catch up; he's going to travel down here for the forth, and I'm really going to treasure the chance to sit down with him and make some new memories.
Just before noon, Rachael got off work, which was amazing because she was supposed to work till 5, and we were going to go down the river and get out on a kayak into God's playground. That was, until we pressed Dory's (Dory is my car's name) 'show me the outside temperature' button and it read 99 degrees. Are you kidding me? By the time we got home it read 104. Rachael and I looked at each other and thought about being out on a kayak in that kinda heat, and decided that was probably a bad idea. So instead, we brought the Wii to Monkeys and enjoyed the cool air and big screen TV for awhile. Rachael surprised me with a copy of Lego Indiana Jones, which is basically the coolest game ever, and we played through the 1st level and read some of Narnia (both of us have never read the Narnia books and want to read through them, so we're doing it together and having a blast). If there's any game that'll teach good communication skills it's that game -- but we had fun.
Then Saturday night we drove up to Cinetopia in Vancouver and met Darrick to see Wall-e. Now for those of you who haven't seen it I'll restrict my review, but oh man -- Wall-e is one of the best movies I've seen in ages -- it was just really really great. Rachael and I loved every minute of it and want to go see it again. Apart from being adorable, Wall-e has a lotta insight to offer into the consumerism, comfort, and the other illnesses that plaque our American culture. It's a must see.
Now to today: Church was great, and honestly I'm going to have to recommend that you find today's sermon and listen to it (which you can do here), because our pastor spoke some incredible things about the role of the holy spirit in our lives. And I applaud him for being so direct, because he pointed out that the church was founded on the works of the holy spirit and that without him we're just wasting our time. You can't get by on 2/3 of the trinity.
I also was prayed over and I was specifically hoping to recieve the gift of tongues since that's a thing I've wanted and never experienced, at least I don't think I have... not in full. But my full thoughts on that belong in another post :)
After church Rachael came home, ate amazing Mac and Cheese, and tried some more to save the world (we did manage to finish another level). And we ended off the night eating dinner with her family (a tri-tip roast... sooooo good) and getting some real time to catch up. I love Rachael's family and I love getting the chances to hang out with them and slowly become one of them. There's a lot of wit in her family and it makes me smile just to watch them interact and love on each other.
And finally I said good night to Rachael and came on home to catch up with some friends and write these posts. I'm amazed how good of time I have when I spend it with my gal -- it'd be almost easy to take for granted how much we can enjoy each other just runnin' errands, playing Wii, reading Narnia, going to movie, or just sitting on the couch without saying a word, until you realize that you couldn't have that good of time with anybody else doing those things. Like not even close. I can really be myself, and it's just such a blessing. I'm also blessed with such an amazing and quality woman of God who both experience and testimony tells me (not to mention my own heart!) is a very very rare find. She is indeed a crown on my head, and she deserves all the praise I can heap on her (and probably a little more :).
I hope all of your weekends were good and restful in their own ways. I know that some of us had birthdays this weekend and I hope that was just a great time. I also know that rest and peace is a theme that God has been workin with many people on recently -- cleaning out the old gunk and setting us free to walk in joy. I hope this was a restful and good weekend for you and I'm really excited to hear how's He's moving in each of you -- I know it just feels like He's on the move recently, and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm also excited to share it in such a great community. Thank you friends -- for sharing the adventure and for being such faithful companions along the way. I treasure each of you.
Blessings.
Repentance, Restoration
So I've had more time to process all this emotion and hard facts I've been walking through recently, and I've realized a few things worth posting about:
For one, as I re-read my past blog posts, there seems to be something missing. I tend to post a lot about the hard things, and occasionally a random funny post, but almost never do I post about the good things. It makes sense, people don't have a lot of pressing things to think about when times are good, but I recognize that it also highlights a long and dangerous pattern in my life of focusing on the negative. My very blog title, when translated, means 'seeing the sun through the clouds', focusing on what's good rather than on what's in the way, difficult, or going wrong. You can waste so much of your life focusing on what's wrong with it, and get nothing but a pile of anxieties and a nervous disorder for it. Jesus on the cross gave us the freedom from our past, and the wonderful chance to focus instead on his resurrection; to focus on heaven, on moving forward, on what's right in the world, or as the Bible puts it, 'Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe' (Philippians's 2:14-15) I don't want to focus on the negatives all the time, and I know that I also need to 'take every thought captive' as Paul instructs in Corinthians: 'We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.' (1st Corinthians 10:5). Could my negativity be an opinion or way of seeing things that sets itself up against the knowledge of God? I'd wager so.
As part of this, I also realize that I've spoken unfairly of both my past and the people involved in it -- especially my parents, (thinking specifically of my earlier post about 'an empty Christian home') I cannot imagine what a monumentus task it is to try and parent a little guy (especially one so difficult as me!) and while both of my parents have made mistakes, both of them deserve praise for their efforts, and for being the caring and quality people they are. I shouldn't wish to bring either of them disrespect -- they have both been very good to me, and while I think we all wished to have Jesus as a bigger part of our lives back then, I'd rather focus on what He's doing in each of our lives now -- which is some pretty neat stuff! Mom, Dad, if ever you read this, I appreciate and value you -- thank you for having the courage to raise me in the ways of the Lord, and trying your hardest to give to Christy and I what was never given to you growing up. You are both courageous in your own ways and from the bottom of my heart: thank you.
And lastly I guess I'm left with the thoughts that have been rollin' around in my head for the last week+. I've gotten lots of chances recently to see how quickly and how effectively I try to dominate the conversations I'm part of -- and I'll tell ya that it really hurts me inside, because that's not the kind of person I've ever imagined myself to be or want to be. I can't really describe what kind of pain it causes me to know that outspeak and overrun my girlfriend, that I push out other's opinions in a debate, or that at the end of a night on the phone with my mom, I've talked for an hour and there's no time left to hear what's on her heart. I know that I was pretty lonely as a little guy, and that I got left out in the cold a lot. It's one of the core parts of my woundings, but the outgrowth of that is to assert myself like a child for attention on everyone around me, and I gotta think (I know) that it wears the people around me out. I don't want to be a liability! I don't want to be that guy who calls and everyone puts on a smile and thinks 'Dave's here again...' Now whether I am that guy or not, I bear in my head and heart too much of a resemblance to him, and I want to change it. I forget what a joy I get out of just listening to people. God made me to be a restorer of people's hearts, a listener. There are very very few things after which I feel more alive than just sitting down and really listening to someone's heart. And I'd always assumed that they need to have some sort of Crisis going on in their life that required a good cup of coffee and conversation, but the truth is, if I just shut my mouth, you'd be surprised how many of those conversations you can find in a day! Today I called at least 3 people, and I just listened, and I gotta say that it was the most wonderful thing in the world. God is really workin' with me on this one, and I gotta say that facin' the music is really tough -- because the facts aren't too pretty about some of what I've done and been, but I also know that I'm someone I need to learn to give grace to as well, and that I'm learning. Lord teach me to be a humble and patient spirit.
Hehe -- patience and humility in the same prayer? I must be suicidal ;)
For one, as I re-read my past blog posts, there seems to be something missing. I tend to post a lot about the hard things, and occasionally a random funny post, but almost never do I post about the good things. It makes sense, people don't have a lot of pressing things to think about when times are good, but I recognize that it also highlights a long and dangerous pattern in my life of focusing on the negative. My very blog title, when translated, means 'seeing the sun through the clouds', focusing on what's good rather than on what's in the way, difficult, or going wrong. You can waste so much of your life focusing on what's wrong with it, and get nothing but a pile of anxieties and a nervous disorder for it. Jesus on the cross gave us the freedom from our past, and the wonderful chance to focus instead on his resurrection; to focus on heaven, on moving forward, on what's right in the world, or as the Bible puts it, 'Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe' (Philippians's 2:14-15) I don't want to focus on the negatives all the time, and I know that I also need to 'take every thought captive' as Paul instructs in Corinthians: 'We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.' (1st Corinthians 10:5). Could my negativity be an opinion or way of seeing things that sets itself up against the knowledge of God? I'd wager so.
As part of this, I also realize that I've spoken unfairly of both my past and the people involved in it -- especially my parents, (thinking specifically of my earlier post about 'an empty Christian home') I cannot imagine what a monumentus task it is to try and parent a little guy (especially one so difficult as me!) and while both of my parents have made mistakes, both of them deserve praise for their efforts, and for being the caring and quality people they are. I shouldn't wish to bring either of them disrespect -- they have both been very good to me, and while I think we all wished to have Jesus as a bigger part of our lives back then, I'd rather focus on what He's doing in each of our lives now -- which is some pretty neat stuff! Mom, Dad, if ever you read this, I appreciate and value you -- thank you for having the courage to raise me in the ways of the Lord, and trying your hardest to give to Christy and I what was never given to you growing up. You are both courageous in your own ways and from the bottom of my heart: thank you.
And lastly I guess I'm left with the thoughts that have been rollin' around in my head for the last week+. I've gotten lots of chances recently to see how quickly and how effectively I try to dominate the conversations I'm part of -- and I'll tell ya that it really hurts me inside, because that's not the kind of person I've ever imagined myself to be or want to be. I can't really describe what kind of pain it causes me to know that outspeak and overrun my girlfriend, that I push out other's opinions in a debate, or that at the end of a night on the phone with my mom, I've talked for an hour and there's no time left to hear what's on her heart. I know that I was pretty lonely as a little guy, and that I got left out in the cold a lot. It's one of the core parts of my woundings, but the outgrowth of that is to assert myself like a child for attention on everyone around me, and I gotta think (I know) that it wears the people around me out. I don't want to be a liability! I don't want to be that guy who calls and everyone puts on a smile and thinks 'Dave's here again...' Now whether I am that guy or not, I bear in my head and heart too much of a resemblance to him, and I want to change it. I forget what a joy I get out of just listening to people. God made me to be a restorer of people's hearts, a listener. There are very very few things after which I feel more alive than just sitting down and really listening to someone's heart. And I'd always assumed that they need to have some sort of Crisis going on in their life that required a good cup of coffee and conversation, but the truth is, if I just shut my mouth, you'd be surprised how many of those conversations you can find in a day! Today I called at least 3 people, and I just listened, and I gotta say that it was the most wonderful thing in the world. God is really workin' with me on this one, and I gotta say that facin' the music is really tough -- because the facts aren't too pretty about some of what I've done and been, but I also know that I'm someone I need to learn to give grace to as well, and that I'm learning. Lord teach me to be a humble and patient spirit.
Hehe -- patience and humility in the same prayer? I must be suicidal ;)
Wednesday, June 25
Tender voice
"I am the strength in your weakness -- the hope in your hardship. I've placed you here, and nobody can disqualify you from it -- not even yourself."
In so many ways my life is a storm right now, and I really do intent to post about it, but for this post, it enough that He is with me, that in my hardship He is present, and that there is nothing broken that cannot be made new. When God convicts us, it is always because he intends to fix what is broken. The diagnosis for cancer is always hard to take, but God never shows us what's wrong in us without holding our hand through the surgery.
...
Ah hell. I hate being vague: I'm a very controlling person, and I'm getting to see how it is hurting and dividing Rachael and I, how it makes me argumentative and stubborn at work and how it divides me from my family. I like being right, I like having an opinion, I like it when agree with my opinion and I don't like being powerless. I am terrifically stubborn and as a kid I can remember being proud about that because I thought that stubbornness meant toughness. I just... I've been really checked by the spirit about all of this, and the pain of how I see this interfering with my life drops me to my knees. Rachael deserves better than this and I want to give it to her, my coworkers and brothers do too, and so do I.
I desperately don't want it to be all about me, and I don't want to be that opinionated, argumentative and controlling person I see slipping out all too often; I want the way of humility. I want to be the one who takes the hit for something and never mentions a thing about it, who serves, and who supports the love of my life by deferring and trusting. But my actions have shown a different story, and tonight, and for the last few days, it's just hurts deep. I don't know what to tell you guys, but this is what's on my heart.
In so many ways my life is a storm right now, and I really do intent to post about it, but for this post, it enough that He is with me, that in my hardship He is present, and that there is nothing broken that cannot be made new. When God convicts us, it is always because he intends to fix what is broken. The diagnosis for cancer is always hard to take, but God never shows us what's wrong in us without holding our hand through the surgery.
...
Ah hell. I hate being vague: I'm a very controlling person, and I'm getting to see how it is hurting and dividing Rachael and I, how it makes me argumentative and stubborn at work and how it divides me from my family. I like being right, I like having an opinion, I like it when agree with my opinion and I don't like being powerless. I am terrifically stubborn and as a kid I can remember being proud about that because I thought that stubbornness meant toughness. I just... I've been really checked by the spirit about all of this, and the pain of how I see this interfering with my life drops me to my knees. Rachael deserves better than this and I want to give it to her, my coworkers and brothers do too, and so do I.
I desperately don't want it to be all about me, and I don't want to be that opinionated, argumentative and controlling person I see slipping out all too often; I want the way of humility. I want to be the one who takes the hit for something and never mentions a thing about it, who serves, and who supports the love of my life by deferring and trusting. But my actions have shown a different story, and tonight, and for the last few days, it's just hurts deep. I don't know what to tell you guys, but this is what's on my heart.
Sunday, June 22
Llama Face
So this is worth posting just because I was reminded of it after finishing my last post. Quick story for those of you who have seen The Emperor's New Groove:
The summer before I came to Fox for my freshman year, Mom took my sister and I on this trip to Disney Land. It's been awhile since we'd been and we were excited to dp a good family vacation just the three of us before I moved up here to go to school. Well, after staying the night in a hotel we drive off to Disney Land and find that it had grown quite a bit more complex than last time, especially with the addition of the California Adventure park, and we got all kinds of lost on the streets running in between the parks. And by lost, I mean power-lost, like, the streets are actually working against you kind of lost (Those new to driving in Downtown Portland may experience something similar). And out of nowhere when we're finally getting close to the mega-parking garage my Mom makes this little pouty face and says "I've got llama face". It was the funniest thing ever, and in our family, anytime someone is having a hard time of it, and wants to make that little, stick-the-lip-out sad face or what M-blog would chalk up to with his whiney 'owwwww' that he says in jest; we say they have llama face. My password experience tonight gave me llama face -- but remembering that's what we call it gave me a laugh and a grin.
Good 'ol llamas.
The summer before I came to Fox for my freshman year, Mom took my sister and I on this trip to Disney Land. It's been awhile since we'd been and we were excited to dp a good family vacation just the three of us before I moved up here to go to school. Well, after staying the night in a hotel we drive off to Disney Land and find that it had grown quite a bit more complex than last time, especially with the addition of the California Adventure park, and we got all kinds of lost on the streets running in between the parks. And by lost, I mean power-lost, like, the streets are actually working against you kind of lost (Those new to driving in Downtown Portland may experience something similar). And out of nowhere when we're finally getting close to the mega-parking garage my Mom makes this little pouty face and says "I've got llama face". It was the funniest thing ever, and in our family, anytime someone is having a hard time of it, and wants to make that little, stick-the-lip-out sad face or what M-blog would chalk up to with his whiney 'owwwww' that he says in jest; we say they have llama face. My password experience tonight gave me llama face -- but remembering that's what we call it gave me a laugh and a grin.
Good 'ol llamas.
Dante's Password Recovery
So ... I've had a lot of thoughts on my mind over the last few days and I sat down tonight to write them out in a good post. But when I tried to sign in, I needed to re-enter my password, because I've since cleared my cache and it's gone. No problemo, that's easy, until the blogging software says, "I'm sorry, but there is no e-mail address in our system like the one you typed in". I double check.. "But blogging software, I typed it in correctly" and try again. "Sorry, no." Hrm. Well I have this other google account.... so I go and find my sheowen account -- to which I've only maybe signed in once when I first created it and to to whom I also don't remember the password. No problem, I'll do google's password recovery. There, all fixed. So I jump back over to blogger and type in my e-mail address and new password confident I've cleared up this little mess. But then it says,
"Welcome Mr. Sheowen! Would you like to create a blog?"
"But I already have one" I say.
"No you don't, you need to create one"
"But I'm looking at it right here: sheowen"
And it was strange because my blog would have a 'sign out' button at the top -- but on the dashboard: no blog. So I do the next best thing: I ask for directions. I search the help center and get the forgotten password stuff sent to my account e-mail. But it appears that somehow because I changed the password using google rather than blogger, it knows enough to know I exist, but not enough to know I'm me. It knows there is a sheowen e-mail, but since the password records are different, I can't be the sheowen on file.
Because cleary that would be crazy talk.
So I navigate my way through trying to look for a 'contact support'; I get the Windows run-around:
"I have a problem"
"Well try this, did that fix it?"
"No, I need to talk to someone"
"Well, you should try this, and that'll fix it"
"But it didn't fix it and I need to talk to someone"
"But that fixes everything"
...
"Are you sure you still want to talk to someone?"
"Yes"
"We can do that, and we're going to put you in touch with our answers people. And our answers people say to try this second thing"
"I did that"
"No, you did the first thing, but you didn't do the second thing"
GAHHHAHA
I'd pull out my hair, but .. you know
So I cruise back over to my sheowen gmail account -- no emails. I wait. Nothin'. So I get to thinkin', well I wonder if they got sent to the other e-mail? So I sign onto my main account, and viola! There are two forgotten password links.
Niavely, I click them.
Thinking I'm going to reset or at least find out what my blogger account's password is
"Ohhh, so you want to reset your gmail account? Okay, an e-mail has been sent"
"Wait! No... I want to reset my blogger, not my gmail"
So now in the process of trying to solve one account, I've waxed both my blogging account and my primary e-mail account. It looks grim.
But then, when all hope seems lost, I notice that my dashboard has been updated and shows my blog: sheowen. How did that happen? It's back! And then I realize that it's tied to my gmail, and since I signed into my main account (or had) that my blog had been recognized. In fact, I realize that it was never tied to my sheowen account at all. And then I realize that... wait. My password for my blog is the same as my gmail account? Because it's tied to my gmail account?
About this time I made a lot of the "Ahh come on!" and grumbles that Ninja Bear makes so well.
Lesson Learned: Dem programmers don't always write the best of error messages
Anyway, my I time is up and I decided a laugh might be a better post than my thoughts for now -- I'll be back on soon to share those with you.
Have a good night friends
"Welcome Mr. Sheowen! Would you like to create a blog?"
"But I already have one" I say.
"No you don't, you need to create one"
"But I'm looking at it right here: sheowen"
And it was strange because my blog would have a 'sign out' button at the top -- but on the dashboard: no blog. So I do the next best thing: I ask for directions. I search the help center and get the forgotten password stuff sent to my account e-mail. But it appears that somehow because I changed the password using google rather than blogger, it knows enough to know I exist, but not enough to know I'm me. It knows there is a sheowen e-mail, but since the password records are different, I can't be the sheowen on file.
Because cleary that would be crazy talk.
So I navigate my way through trying to look for a 'contact support'; I get the Windows run-around:
"I have a problem"
"Well try this, did that fix it?"
"No, I need to talk to someone"
"Well, you should try this, and that'll fix it"
"But it didn't fix it and I need to talk to someone"
"But that fixes everything"
...
"Are you sure you still want to talk to someone?"
"Yes"
"We can do that, and we're going to put you in touch with our answers people. And our answers people say to try this second thing"
"I did that"
"No, you did the first thing, but you didn't do the second thing"
GAHHHAHA
I'd pull out my hair, but .. you know
So I cruise back over to my sheowen gmail account -- no emails. I wait. Nothin'. So I get to thinkin', well I wonder if they got sent to the other e-mail? So I sign onto my main account, and viola! There are two forgotten password links.
Niavely, I click them.
Thinking I'm going to reset or at least find out what my blogger account's password is
"Ohhh, so you want to reset your gmail account? Okay, an e-mail has been sent"
"Wait! No... I want to reset my blogger, not my gmail"
So now in the process of trying to solve one account, I've waxed both my blogging account and my primary e-mail account. It looks grim.
But then, when all hope seems lost, I notice that my dashboard has been updated and shows my blog: sheowen. How did that happen? It's back! And then I realize that it's tied to my gmail, and since I signed into my main account (or had) that my blog had been recognized. In fact, I realize that it was never tied to my sheowen account at all. And then I realize that... wait. My password for my blog is the same as my gmail account? Because it's tied to my gmail account?
About this time I made a lot of the "Ahh come on!" and grumbles that Ninja Bear makes so well.
Lesson Learned: Dem programmers don't always write the best of error messages
Anyway, my I time is up and I decided a laugh might be a better post than my thoughts for now -- I'll be back on soon to share those with you.
Have a good night friends
Sunday, May 18
Take my hand Daddy, and lead me where you want me
I found my heart praying this prayer in church today. These last few days God has been showing me soooo much about .... well I'm not sure really. I don't want to say that He's been showing me some specific truth or revelation, but more like God has been allowing me to walk through some difficult and trying places, and to find flaws and hurts in myself that I didn't know the depth of. He's allowing my efforts to be frustrated and fall through. He's showing me that I'm stubborn and that I care less about things being done than them being done my way. I'm seeing that I resist authority because I don't trust it. I'm seeing that the reason I want a new job is because I equate a dollar figure with a provision and security that is only meant to come from God alone, and that I want to provide for my family by being the provider, rather than allowing the real provider to work through me. All lessons, and all character issues that would normally be tough to take in. But in all this, I have this complete peace and trust in what He's up to in my life, honestly in a way I've never experienced before. This time I feel like I'm being let in on a secret of something God is shaping me for, and I'm really excited about it. I feel him preparing me for leadership, and with his gentle hands, using the hard path to weed out the things in me that would get in the way. He's grinding down my hard points, and gently showing me the stubbornness, pride, and worldly thinking that still have such hold on me, but also He's removing them. I feel like I've finally stepped into his cool and calming presence, after being out in the hot sun working myself to exhaustion. He's leaning over and showing me the X-rays and saying, 'see this here, we're going to have to go in and get this out of you so that you can be all ready for what I have and want for you' With one hand he's holding mine, and with the other he's performing the surgery. 'It'll be alright' he says, 'you're doing so well, just hang in there alright?' Maybe that's what's different this time around, that I having such trouble putting into words -- I've always avoided the surgeries before, and I've tried to fix things myself, but this time I've heard his words, and I'm facing the road ahead of me with courage. I don't know all of what God is up to but I know that I trust the process and road He has for me, and not just the results of that road. I trust the journey He's got me on and not just the destination. And I know that He's right here with me, smiling at me and delighting in the process we're going through together -- 'I go with you' He keeps saying, letting me know that I can't do anything alone. I feel right now like I'm heading into the spiritual OR, but I'm okay, in fact I'm at total peace.
"Take my hand Daddy .. lead me where you want me"
"Take my hand Daddy .. lead me where you want me"
I'm a scholar!
You know the Bible 100%!
Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!
Ultimate Bible Quiz
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Sunday, May 4
Though I go into the depths...
'You will still be with me'
Or so says the Psalmist.
It's been a rough and tumble few days. With Rachael gone in Italy I've found myself largely alone, and with a roomate who's recently moved out, my place a pretty lonely one right now. I've also had some pretty serious financial troubles -- with Tim moving out I can't afford to stay where I live now, and with no prospects for another job, no supplemental income, and no other roomates itchin' to move in, I'll run out of money (and subsequently a place to live) at the end of this month. Understandably, it's had me stressed, but then there's more to it. It seems like everywhere I turn someone is getting a new job, or God is coming through for them in some neat ways, but for me it's all seemed like darkness. Nothing is stirring -- I've applied in vain, I posted a cry for help on my church's message board and there's been no responses, everyone I've called doesn't need a place to stay, every job doesn't seem to lead anywhere. I've been fighting against despair.
I came to church today, trying not to feel bitter about the lack of responses, despite the fact that in my heart, I know that God had told me to be still and to wait, that He would provide, but I've been running around with my hair on fire and haven't been able to figure out why. Pastor John did tell me that he'd seen my post and asked if anyone had responded yet and I said no -- I'd checked just moments before going to church. In worship I was really able to find freedom and to release things to God, but it left me with some many questions, as did the message. We talked about Idols, and many of our modern day idols revolve around power, and for that ultimately money. We like being in control, we like choosing what car we'll drive, where we'll live, and what our lives will look like. Another idol is pleasure, and I already know that's in my pantheon. And yet another is people, and how we can try to find importance by being around famous people, or by being on TV. If I can just get on this show, then I'll matter. For me it's been my spiritual heroes -- If I can just have it together like they did right? If I can just love people like Johny did, know the bible like Karissa, or be as in touch with God as Matt Cox. And I know that I want to be like them for the wrong reasons, I want to know the bible not to know God, but so I can be like Karissa, because if I'm like her, then I'll acceptable before Him and myself.
I drove the McMinville today thinking about that -- about the pantheon of Idols I hold unto so closely. I've had so many questions today. Is God frustrating my Job search because I've made an idol of money and power? Have I? Is God calling me to full time ministry and this is his way of saying so? How will I provide for my future family if all this falls through? What am I to do if I am going into full time ministry? What will Rachael think? What will the people I need approval from, what will they say and why do I care so much anyway? There's so part of me that's sure, that's just sure that once I surrender all that stuff, once I let go of the reigns, God is going to send me to Africa, or call me to give up everything that He's revealed to my heart and given me as desires for my future.
I knew I needed a day with him, so I did. I surrendered. You take all this stuff I said, and I'll follow you, though I'm pretty terrified I admitted with weak laughter through my tears.
Isn't it funny how we can have God pegged so wrong?
I took a walk in the Park and sat on a Bench in the sunshine, and God spoke with clarity through the howling dark that has been my day; He told me that I misunderstand his heart, because if I knew his heart I wouldn't have anything to fear -- that I was so afraid that he's out to get me, and I've drawn up 1000 and 1 conclusions about what he's trying to say, and He calms me down and says that maybe He's not saying all that; He gently tells me I'm freaking out and He holds me. And God asked me about a time, a time I can't remember precisely, but sometime 2 or 3 years ago when I made a subtle agreement -- an agreement that God wasn't present with me. You see, I grew up in an empty Christian house, our walls were painted Christian but Christ didn't reach to the insides -- we were run by practical fears, concerns and earthly worries. We had Christ as a label and afterthought -- he was savior but not Lord. And I realize I've been trying to do so much of my life on my own -- all by myself. And not because I'm prideful, not because I think I'm a hotshot, but because from how I grew up and the agreements I've made, I haven't really expected God to be present. He cares sure, but whether or not he'll intervene at my moment of despair.... I don't know. I've walked through all kinds of dark nights of the soul, and most of them have felt awfully lonely. But in that Park today, I had to admit in some deep way that I was wrong, to rescind that agreement, to take it back and burn it -- to cast it from my heart's thinking. God is here, regardless of whether or not I feel like He is, He is. He is present. I realize that I tried to do it alone because I thought I was alone -- and God gently reminded me how silly it was to think that I could be. You're not alone He says, I am with you.
In the thinking I've done in between that afternoon in the park and tonight when I write, I realize that I've built up a certain way of doing a thing -- a thought in my mind for what establishing a family meant. I've been hurt because God hasn't moved in the plans I've been making, until today I realize that I've run out ahead of him. He's been moving, but not to the beat of my drums. There's a neat story right in 2nd Samuel 6 (at least I think it's 6, it's right around there at any rate) that David becomes king and the Philistines march up and camp out in this valley to make war on him. David asks God, 'shall I go take them out' and God says, 'yep', and so he does and the Philistines suffer huge losses. But they have the gusto to come back for a second round, and so David asks of the Lord again, 'shall I go take them out', but this time God says "Do not go straight up, but circle around behind them and attack them in front of the balsam trees. As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, move quickly, because that will mean the LORD has gone out in front of you to strike the Philistine army." (2nd Samuel 5:23).
I didn't wait for the marching at the tops of the trees.
It's such a simple thing... but it's cost me.
As I got home tonight I've tried to remember that God didn't discourage the direction or goals I've set for myself, even when I asked him today if He wanted to -- but He did say 'take care of your living situation first, I will provide a roomate for you.' As tonight has ground on, I've been reminded by a patient friend, that hard times are common to us all. I've always equated the hard times with something being wrong and I've given up too easily. But in this journey of faith hard times will come -- what distinguishes those who succeed vs failing or giving way to the darkness or despair, is simply a matter of perseverance, or as Samwise Gamgee so wisely puts at the end of the Two Towers, 'people in those stories had lots of chances to turn back only they didn't -- they were holdin' onto something; that there's some good in this world Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for.' All does not end in darkness and shadow, nor in homelessness and joblessness -- regardless of how much it may seem like that. The great stories are always showing us that just when it seems certain the darkness has won the light triumphs. As Christians, we're holding onto the hope of heaven, and the resurrection and good that's waiting us there -- and we spread the hope to a world abandoned to shadow saying, there's reason to hope, there's a reason to fight, there's a reason to not just roll over a die. There's something here worth fighting for.
It helps that after 8:00 tonight I got a rather unexpected call from Dan Hammerquist, a recent graduate of George Fox.
He needs a roomate.
Forgive me Lord -- I'm so quick to think you've gone and run off on me, but here again you remind me that shadow and darkness is not the end you've promised us. Keep reminding me, and build in my heart a character that knows the good that's worth fighting for, that knows that we all make mistakes and have our trials, but you are no less by our side for them -- that knows that you are here in our darkest hours, and that darkness has lost it's claim on us -- it's just a passing thing. Plant and cultivate in us hearts that groan and long for our heavenly home -- in the hope of that Lord, and in light of your character and love, we can endure anything.
Praise you Lord! Let my life be an offering to you through both the good times and the hard ones -- Lord blessed be your name.
Or so says the Psalmist.
It's been a rough and tumble few days. With Rachael gone in Italy I've found myself largely alone, and with a roomate who's recently moved out, my place a pretty lonely one right now. I've also had some pretty serious financial troubles -- with Tim moving out I can't afford to stay where I live now, and with no prospects for another job, no supplemental income, and no other roomates itchin' to move in, I'll run out of money (and subsequently a place to live) at the end of this month. Understandably, it's had me stressed, but then there's more to it. It seems like everywhere I turn someone is getting a new job, or God is coming through for them in some neat ways, but for me it's all seemed like darkness. Nothing is stirring -- I've applied in vain, I posted a cry for help on my church's message board and there's been no responses, everyone I've called doesn't need a place to stay, every job doesn't seem to lead anywhere. I've been fighting against despair.
I came to church today, trying not to feel bitter about the lack of responses, despite the fact that in my heart, I know that God had told me to be still and to wait, that He would provide, but I've been running around with my hair on fire and haven't been able to figure out why. Pastor John did tell me that he'd seen my post and asked if anyone had responded yet and I said no -- I'd checked just moments before going to church. In worship I was really able to find freedom and to release things to God, but it left me with some many questions, as did the message. We talked about Idols, and many of our modern day idols revolve around power, and for that ultimately money. We like being in control, we like choosing what car we'll drive, where we'll live, and what our lives will look like. Another idol is pleasure, and I already know that's in my pantheon. And yet another is people, and how we can try to find importance by being around famous people, or by being on TV. If I can just get on this show, then I'll matter. For me it's been my spiritual heroes -- If I can just have it together like they did right? If I can just love people like Johny did, know the bible like Karissa, or be as in touch with God as Matt Cox. And I know that I want to be like them for the wrong reasons, I want to know the bible not to know God, but so I can be like Karissa, because if I'm like her, then I'll acceptable before Him and myself.
I drove the McMinville today thinking about that -- about the pantheon of Idols I hold unto so closely. I've had so many questions today. Is God frustrating my Job search because I've made an idol of money and power? Have I? Is God calling me to full time ministry and this is his way of saying so? How will I provide for my future family if all this falls through? What am I to do if I am going into full time ministry? What will Rachael think? What will the people I need approval from, what will they say and why do I care so much anyway? There's so part of me that's sure, that's just sure that once I surrender all that stuff, once I let go of the reigns, God is going to send me to Africa, or call me to give up everything that He's revealed to my heart and given me as desires for my future.
I knew I needed a day with him, so I did. I surrendered. You take all this stuff I said, and I'll follow you, though I'm pretty terrified I admitted with weak laughter through my tears.
Isn't it funny how we can have God pegged so wrong?
I took a walk in the Park and sat on a Bench in the sunshine, and God spoke with clarity through the howling dark that has been my day; He told me that I misunderstand his heart, because if I knew his heart I wouldn't have anything to fear -- that I was so afraid that he's out to get me, and I've drawn up 1000 and 1 conclusions about what he's trying to say, and He calms me down and says that maybe He's not saying all that; He gently tells me I'm freaking out and He holds me. And God asked me about a time, a time I can't remember precisely, but sometime 2 or 3 years ago when I made a subtle agreement -- an agreement that God wasn't present with me. You see, I grew up in an empty Christian house, our walls were painted Christian but Christ didn't reach to the insides -- we were run by practical fears, concerns and earthly worries. We had Christ as a label and afterthought -- he was savior but not Lord. And I realize I've been trying to do so much of my life on my own -- all by myself. And not because I'm prideful, not because I think I'm a hotshot, but because from how I grew up and the agreements I've made, I haven't really expected God to be present. He cares sure, but whether or not he'll intervene at my moment of despair.... I don't know. I've walked through all kinds of dark nights of the soul, and most of them have felt awfully lonely. But in that Park today, I had to admit in some deep way that I was wrong, to rescind that agreement, to take it back and burn it -- to cast it from my heart's thinking. God is here, regardless of whether or not I feel like He is, He is. He is present. I realize that I tried to do it alone because I thought I was alone -- and God gently reminded me how silly it was to think that I could be. You're not alone He says, I am with you.
In the thinking I've done in between that afternoon in the park and tonight when I write, I realize that I've built up a certain way of doing a thing -- a thought in my mind for what establishing a family meant. I've been hurt because God hasn't moved in the plans I've been making, until today I realize that I've run out ahead of him. He's been moving, but not to the beat of my drums. There's a neat story right in 2nd Samuel 6 (at least I think it's 6, it's right around there at any rate) that David becomes king and the Philistines march up and camp out in this valley to make war on him. David asks God, 'shall I go take them out' and God says, 'yep', and so he does and the Philistines suffer huge losses. But they have the gusto to come back for a second round, and so David asks of the Lord again, 'shall I go take them out', but this time God says "Do not go straight up, but circle around behind them and attack them in front of the balsam trees. As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, move quickly, because that will mean the LORD has gone out in front of you to strike the Philistine army." (2nd Samuel 5:23).
I didn't wait for the marching at the tops of the trees.
It's such a simple thing... but it's cost me.
As I got home tonight I've tried to remember that God didn't discourage the direction or goals I've set for myself, even when I asked him today if He wanted to -- but He did say 'take care of your living situation first, I will provide a roomate for you.' As tonight has ground on, I've been reminded by a patient friend, that hard times are common to us all. I've always equated the hard times with something being wrong and I've given up too easily. But in this journey of faith hard times will come -- what distinguishes those who succeed vs failing or giving way to the darkness or despair, is simply a matter of perseverance, or as Samwise Gamgee so wisely puts at the end of the Two Towers, 'people in those stories had lots of chances to turn back only they didn't -- they were holdin' onto something; that there's some good in this world Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for.' All does not end in darkness and shadow, nor in homelessness and joblessness -- regardless of how much it may seem like that. The great stories are always showing us that just when it seems certain the darkness has won the light triumphs. As Christians, we're holding onto the hope of heaven, and the resurrection and good that's waiting us there -- and we spread the hope to a world abandoned to shadow saying, there's reason to hope, there's a reason to fight, there's a reason to not just roll over a die. There's something here worth fighting for.
It helps that after 8:00 tonight I got a rather unexpected call from Dan Hammerquist, a recent graduate of George Fox.
He needs a roomate.
Forgive me Lord -- I'm so quick to think you've gone and run off on me, but here again you remind me that shadow and darkness is not the end you've promised us. Keep reminding me, and build in my heart a character that knows the good that's worth fighting for, that knows that we all make mistakes and have our trials, but you are no less by our side for them -- that knows that you are here in our darkest hours, and that darkness has lost it's claim on us -- it's just a passing thing. Plant and cultivate in us hearts that groan and long for our heavenly home -- in the hope of that Lord, and in light of your character and love, we can endure anything.
Praise you Lord! Let my life be an offering to you through both the good times and the hard ones -- Lord blessed be your name.
Sunday, April 27
Just a taste
It's late and I'm tired -- tomorrow I will wake up early and drive my girlfriend to the airport and say goodbye to her for 3 weeks while she tours Italy and discovers the artist soul that God has created in her. I'm sitting wedged between a dining room table dressed will flowers and empty glasses -- the leftovers from a wonderful night together before she leaves. And driving home tonight after dropping her off, my heart couldn't help but smile. There ought to be a term for it (and seeing as how I'm writing a language, there may yet be :) some word to describe these eternal moments. They're rare -- they're not everyday, but here and there we hear a whisper, get a taste of the life we were designed for. We have a great conversation with a friend that affirms the God in both of us, we have a wonderful evening with our love, we see a simply dazzling sunrise, or we serve someone in need, or receive a service from a good friend. Eternal is a good thing to call them since all of them deal with things that live beyond this world -- my job, my car, this earthly thing or that will never echo in the way these former things do. How could they? For really, the life I was meant for is reaching out into the life I live now, the infinite is reaching into the finite, the music is becoming -- if only for a moment -- just loud enough to hear above the noise, and a bit of heaven is tasted on earth. I live for those moments, and like a child on the edge of the kitchen smelling what my mother is cooking, I'm hungry for more, hungry for the feast that Christ is preparing me and my brothers and sisters for, groaning to be home at last -- to be free.
Thank you Lord for giving me this taste -- keep moving me heavenward, across the waters until I can be with you again.
Thank you Lord for giving me this taste -- keep moving me heavenward, across the waters until I can be with you again.
Wednesday, March 19
Sheowen
I have an itch to write. In the past I've created blogs under the pressure of friends, only to have them linger in cyber-space, eventually unposted to and neglected. I didn't feel pressured to write this one -- I felt called. I'm told that we live according to what we know we are; it is our identity that drives our actions, not the other way around. As I rediscover the identity in me that I've doubted for so long, the deep desire to write comes up to the surface, a desire long hidden by my own doubts that say, 'you're not a writer', 'you couldn't write what _____ can/did'. I'm learning to put those doubts away; and this blog is perhaps, in some ways, a manner of trying -- of stretching into an identity given to me that I've hidden from, and reclaiming a part of the masterpiece God designed me to be.
Sheowen.
Sheowen is a word that literally means 'to see the sun through the clouds' or to see the sunny day on the other side of the rain storm. I have, for too long, lived a life focused on the rain clouds, a life focused on my weaknesses, my failures and my mistakes. I'm done with that. I'm changing my perspective -- I'm focusing on the sun through the clouds, however faint it may appear. And we who hope in Christ Jesus do not have any faint hope, but a strong God who hears us and meets our needs. I'm giving up the rain clouds, and I'm giving up the focus on whether people are looking at the light or the dark in me. Sheowen is no cloudless view, it's not God in a perfect setting, but it's a realization that in our darkest places, God is there, that there is no where, not one place on this whole earth that we can get away from God. As the Psalmist says, I could go into the depths, to the darkest place and you Lord would come and make it light. I am not alone, and try as I might I cannot be alone. Yes, my clouds -- those weaknesses, failures and fears over which I have too long obsessed -- are still there, but they do not define me or my view. I'm looking towards the sun on the other side, and I would hope, a heavenly one.
Sheowen.
Sheowen is a word that literally means 'to see the sun through the clouds' or to see the sunny day on the other side of the rain storm. I have, for too long, lived a life focused on the rain clouds, a life focused on my weaknesses, my failures and my mistakes. I'm done with that. I'm changing my perspective -- I'm focusing on the sun through the clouds, however faint it may appear. And we who hope in Christ Jesus do not have any faint hope, but a strong God who hears us and meets our needs. I'm giving up the rain clouds, and I'm giving up the focus on whether people are looking at the light or the dark in me. Sheowen is no cloudless view, it's not God in a perfect setting, but it's a realization that in our darkest places, God is there, that there is no where, not one place on this whole earth that we can get away from God. As the Psalmist says, I could go into the depths, to the darkest place and you Lord would come and make it light. I am not alone, and try as I might I cannot be alone. Yes, my clouds -- those weaknesses, failures and fears over which I have too long obsessed -- are still there, but they do not define me or my view. I'm looking towards the sun on the other side, and I would hope, a heavenly one.
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