Repentance, Restoration

So I've had more time to process all this emotion and hard facts I've been walking through recently, and I've realized a few things worth posting about:

For one, as I re-read my past blog posts, there seems to be something missing. I tend to post a lot about the hard things, and occasionally a random funny post, but almost never do I post about the good things. It makes sense, people don't have a lot of pressing things to think about when times are good, but I recognize that it also highlights a long and dangerous pattern in my life of focusing on the negative. My very blog title, when translated, means 'seeing the sun through the clouds', focusing on what's good rather than on what's in the way, difficult, or going wrong. You can waste so much of your life focusing on what's wrong with it, and get nothing but a pile of anxieties and a nervous disorder for it. Jesus on the cross gave us the freedom from our past, and the wonderful chance to focus instead on his resurrection; to focus on heaven, on moving forward, on what's right in the world, or as the Bible puts it, 'Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe' (Philippians's 2:14-15) I don't want to focus on the negatives all the time, and I know that I also need to 'take every thought captive' as Paul instructs in Corinthians: 'We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.' (1st Corinthians 10:5). Could my negativity be an opinion or way of seeing things that sets itself up against the knowledge of God? I'd wager so.

As part of this, I also realize that I've spoken unfairly of both my past and the people involved in it -- especially my parents, (thinking specifically of my earlier post about 'an empty Christian home') I cannot imagine what a monumentus task it is to try and parent a little guy (especially one so difficult as me!) and while both of my parents have made mistakes, both of them deserve praise for their efforts, and for being the caring and quality people they are. I shouldn't wish to bring either of them disrespect -- they have both been very good to me, and while I think we all wished to have Jesus as a bigger part of our lives back then, I'd rather focus on what He's doing in each of our lives now -- which is some pretty neat stuff! Mom, Dad, if ever you read this, I appreciate and value you -- thank you for having the courage to raise me in the ways of the Lord, and trying your hardest to give to Christy and I what was never given to you growing up. You are both courageous in your own ways and from the bottom of my heart: thank you.


And lastly I guess I'm left with the thoughts that have been rollin' around in my head for the last week+. I've gotten lots of chances recently to see how quickly and how effectively I try to dominate the conversations I'm part of -- and I'll tell ya that it really hurts me inside, because that's not the kind of person I've ever imagined myself to be or want to be. I can't really describe what kind of pain it causes me to know that outspeak and overrun my girlfriend, that I push out other's opinions in a debate, or that at the end of a night on the phone with my mom, I've talked for an hour and there's no time left to hear what's on her heart. I know that I was pretty lonely as a little guy, and that I got left out in the cold a lot. It's one of the core parts of my woundings, but the outgrowth of that is to assert myself like a child for attention on everyone around me, and I gotta think (I know) that it wears the people around me out. I don't want to be a liability! I don't want to be that guy who calls and everyone puts on a smile and thinks 'Dave's here again...' Now whether I am that guy or not, I bear in my head and heart too much of a resemblance to him, and I want to change it. I forget what a joy I get out of just listening to people. God made me to be a restorer of people's hearts, a listener. There are very very few things after which I feel more alive than just sitting down and really listening to someone's heart. And I'd always assumed that they need to have some sort of Crisis going on in their life that required a good cup of coffee and conversation, but the truth is, if I just shut my mouth, you'd be surprised how many of those conversations you can find in a day! Today I called at least 3 people, and I just listened, and I gotta say that it was the most wonderful thing in the world. God is really workin' with me on this one, and I gotta say that facin' the music is really tough -- because the facts aren't too pretty about some of what I've done and been, but I also know that I'm someone I need to learn to give grace to as well, and that I'm learning. Lord teach me to be a humble and patient spirit.

Hehe -- patience and humility in the same prayer? I must be suicidal ;)