Tender voice

"I am the strength in your weakness -- the hope in your hardship. I've placed you here, and nobody can disqualify you from it -- not even yourself."

In so many ways my life is a storm right now, and I really do intent to post about it, but for this post, it enough that He is with me, that in my hardship He is present, and that there is nothing broken that cannot be made new. When God convicts us, it is always because he intends to fix what is broken. The diagnosis for cancer is always hard to take, but God never shows us what's wrong in us without holding our hand through the surgery.

...

Ah hell. I hate being vague: I'm a very controlling person, and I'm getting to see how it is hurting and dividing Rachael and I, how it makes me argumentative and stubborn at work and how it divides me from my family. I like being right, I like having an opinion, I like it when agree with my opinion and I don't like being powerless. I am terrifically stubborn and as a kid I can remember being proud about that because I thought that stubbornness meant toughness. I just... I've been really checked by the spirit about all of this, and the pain of how I see this interfering with my life drops me to my knees. Rachael deserves better than this and I want to give it to her, my coworkers and brothers do too, and so do I.

I desperately don't want it to be all about me, and I don't want to be that opinionated, argumentative and controlling person I see slipping out all too often; I want the way of humility. I want to be the one who takes the hit for something and never mentions a thing about it, who serves, and who supports the love of my life by deferring and trusting. But my actions have shown a different story, and tonight, and for the last few days, it's just hurts deep. I don't know what to tell you guys, but this is what's on my heart.