This weekend absolutely rocked my socks off. And you know, it was all in the simple things. Rachael and I talk alot about who we want to be and what we want to spend our time doing, but we've really struggled (as I'm sure anyone has) to ever do any of the things you say you want to. This weekend we lived our hearts, and whatda know - it felt great.
On Saturday we started off by seeing off our friends who came to visit us for the weekend (or part of it), and taking Rachael to work. I always love when I can start my day seeing Rachael, because it always gives my heart something to smile about right at the beginning of the day. I treasure the time we get together, and it's neat to have someone so close to you, that you can just enjoy their presence whatever it is you're going and doing -- even if it's driving to work.
While she was at work, I got a great chance to catch up with my friend Darrick. Darrick has got to be one of the most quality people I know and he's probably the best friend I've got. He's extraordinarily patient and available to listen to both what's going on in my life and to help me sort through it, and he's one of the few people that I can go to with no answers and opinions, but only questions, and he'll help me sort things out. He also has a great and humble way of keeping me on course and correcting my stubborn spirit when it needs it. For the very stubborn, insistent, and opinionated guy that I'm finding I can be sometimes, I've come to realize what a great guy Darrick is, who often receives the brunt of all three. Though I didn't get to hear as much about his life as I woulda liked, it was a good chance to catch up; he's going to travel down here for the forth, and I'm really going to treasure the chance to sit down with him and make some new memories.
Just before noon, Rachael got off work, which was amazing because she was supposed to work till 5, and we were going to go down the river and get out on a kayak into God's playground. That was, until we pressed Dory's (Dory is my car's name) 'show me the outside temperature' button and it read 99 degrees. Are you kidding me? By the time we got home it read 104. Rachael and I looked at each other and thought about being out on a kayak in that kinda heat, and decided that was probably a bad idea. So instead, we brought the Wii to Monkeys and enjoyed the cool air and big screen TV for awhile. Rachael surprised me with a copy of Lego Indiana Jones, which is basically the coolest game ever, and we played through the 1st level and read some of Narnia (both of us have never read the Narnia books and want to read through them, so we're doing it together and having a blast). If there's any game that'll teach good communication skills it's that game -- but we had fun.
Then Saturday night we drove up to Cinetopia in Vancouver and met Darrick to see Wall-e. Now for those of you who haven't seen it I'll restrict my review, but oh man -- Wall-e is one of the best movies I've seen in ages -- it was just really really great. Rachael and I loved every minute of it and want to go see it again. Apart from being adorable, Wall-e has a lotta insight to offer into the consumerism, comfort, and the other illnesses that plaque our American culture. It's a must see.
Now to today: Church was great, and honestly I'm going to have to recommend that you find today's sermon and listen to it (which you can do here), because our pastor spoke some incredible things about the role of the holy spirit in our lives. And I applaud him for being so direct, because he pointed out that the church was founded on the works of the holy spirit and that without him we're just wasting our time. You can't get by on 2/3 of the trinity.
I also was prayed over and I was specifically hoping to recieve the gift of tongues since that's a thing I've wanted and never experienced, at least I don't think I have... not in full. But my full thoughts on that belong in another post :)
After church Rachael came home, ate amazing Mac and Cheese, and tried some more to save the world (we did manage to finish another level). And we ended off the night eating dinner with her family (a tri-tip roast... sooooo good) and getting some real time to catch up. I love Rachael's family and I love getting the chances to hang out with them and slowly become one of them. There's a lot of wit in her family and it makes me smile just to watch them interact and love on each other.
And finally I said good night to Rachael and came on home to catch up with some friends and write these posts. I'm amazed how good of time I have when I spend it with my gal -- it'd be almost easy to take for granted how much we can enjoy each other just runnin' errands, playing Wii, reading Narnia, going to movie, or just sitting on the couch without saying a word, until you realize that you couldn't have that good of time with anybody else doing those things. Like not even close. I can really be myself, and it's just such a blessing. I'm also blessed with such an amazing and quality woman of God who both experience and testimony tells me (not to mention my own heart!) is a very very rare find. She is indeed a crown on my head, and she deserves all the praise I can heap on her (and probably a little more :).
I hope all of your weekends were good and restful in their own ways. I know that some of us had birthdays this weekend and I hope that was just a great time. I also know that rest and peace is a theme that God has been workin with many people on recently -- cleaning out the old gunk and setting us free to walk in joy. I hope this was a restful and good weekend for you and I'm really excited to hear how's He's moving in each of you -- I know it just feels like He's on the move recently, and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm also excited to share it in such a great community. Thank you friends -- for sharing the adventure and for being such faithful companions along the way. I treasure each of you.
Blessings.
Sunday, June 29
Repentance, Restoration
So I've had more time to process all this emotion and hard facts I've been walking through recently, and I've realized a few things worth posting about:
For one, as I re-read my past blog posts, there seems to be something missing. I tend to post a lot about the hard things, and occasionally a random funny post, but almost never do I post about the good things. It makes sense, people don't have a lot of pressing things to think about when times are good, but I recognize that it also highlights a long and dangerous pattern in my life of focusing on the negative. My very blog title, when translated, means 'seeing the sun through the clouds', focusing on what's good rather than on what's in the way, difficult, or going wrong. You can waste so much of your life focusing on what's wrong with it, and get nothing but a pile of anxieties and a nervous disorder for it. Jesus on the cross gave us the freedom from our past, and the wonderful chance to focus instead on his resurrection; to focus on heaven, on moving forward, on what's right in the world, or as the Bible puts it, 'Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe' (Philippians's 2:14-15) I don't want to focus on the negatives all the time, and I know that I also need to 'take every thought captive' as Paul instructs in Corinthians: 'We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.' (1st Corinthians 10:5). Could my negativity be an opinion or way of seeing things that sets itself up against the knowledge of God? I'd wager so.
As part of this, I also realize that I've spoken unfairly of both my past and the people involved in it -- especially my parents, (thinking specifically of my earlier post about 'an empty Christian home') I cannot imagine what a monumentus task it is to try and parent a little guy (especially one so difficult as me!) and while both of my parents have made mistakes, both of them deserve praise for their efforts, and for being the caring and quality people they are. I shouldn't wish to bring either of them disrespect -- they have both been very good to me, and while I think we all wished to have Jesus as a bigger part of our lives back then, I'd rather focus on what He's doing in each of our lives now -- which is some pretty neat stuff! Mom, Dad, if ever you read this, I appreciate and value you -- thank you for having the courage to raise me in the ways of the Lord, and trying your hardest to give to Christy and I what was never given to you growing up. You are both courageous in your own ways and from the bottom of my heart: thank you.
And lastly I guess I'm left with the thoughts that have been rollin' around in my head for the last week+. I've gotten lots of chances recently to see how quickly and how effectively I try to dominate the conversations I'm part of -- and I'll tell ya that it really hurts me inside, because that's not the kind of person I've ever imagined myself to be or want to be. I can't really describe what kind of pain it causes me to know that outspeak and overrun my girlfriend, that I push out other's opinions in a debate, or that at the end of a night on the phone with my mom, I've talked for an hour and there's no time left to hear what's on her heart. I know that I was pretty lonely as a little guy, and that I got left out in the cold a lot. It's one of the core parts of my woundings, but the outgrowth of that is to assert myself like a child for attention on everyone around me, and I gotta think (I know) that it wears the people around me out. I don't want to be a liability! I don't want to be that guy who calls and everyone puts on a smile and thinks 'Dave's here again...' Now whether I am that guy or not, I bear in my head and heart too much of a resemblance to him, and I want to change it. I forget what a joy I get out of just listening to people. God made me to be a restorer of people's hearts, a listener. There are very very few things after which I feel more alive than just sitting down and really listening to someone's heart. And I'd always assumed that they need to have some sort of Crisis going on in their life that required a good cup of coffee and conversation, but the truth is, if I just shut my mouth, you'd be surprised how many of those conversations you can find in a day! Today I called at least 3 people, and I just listened, and I gotta say that it was the most wonderful thing in the world. God is really workin' with me on this one, and I gotta say that facin' the music is really tough -- because the facts aren't too pretty about some of what I've done and been, but I also know that I'm someone I need to learn to give grace to as well, and that I'm learning. Lord teach me to be a humble and patient spirit.
Hehe -- patience and humility in the same prayer? I must be suicidal ;)
For one, as I re-read my past blog posts, there seems to be something missing. I tend to post a lot about the hard things, and occasionally a random funny post, but almost never do I post about the good things. It makes sense, people don't have a lot of pressing things to think about when times are good, but I recognize that it also highlights a long and dangerous pattern in my life of focusing on the negative. My very blog title, when translated, means 'seeing the sun through the clouds', focusing on what's good rather than on what's in the way, difficult, or going wrong. You can waste so much of your life focusing on what's wrong with it, and get nothing but a pile of anxieties and a nervous disorder for it. Jesus on the cross gave us the freedom from our past, and the wonderful chance to focus instead on his resurrection; to focus on heaven, on moving forward, on what's right in the world, or as the Bible puts it, 'Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe' (Philippians's 2:14-15) I don't want to focus on the negatives all the time, and I know that I also need to 'take every thought captive' as Paul instructs in Corinthians: 'We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.' (1st Corinthians 10:5). Could my negativity be an opinion or way of seeing things that sets itself up against the knowledge of God? I'd wager so.
As part of this, I also realize that I've spoken unfairly of both my past and the people involved in it -- especially my parents, (thinking specifically of my earlier post about 'an empty Christian home') I cannot imagine what a monumentus task it is to try and parent a little guy (especially one so difficult as me!) and while both of my parents have made mistakes, both of them deserve praise for their efforts, and for being the caring and quality people they are. I shouldn't wish to bring either of them disrespect -- they have both been very good to me, and while I think we all wished to have Jesus as a bigger part of our lives back then, I'd rather focus on what He's doing in each of our lives now -- which is some pretty neat stuff! Mom, Dad, if ever you read this, I appreciate and value you -- thank you for having the courage to raise me in the ways of the Lord, and trying your hardest to give to Christy and I what was never given to you growing up. You are both courageous in your own ways and from the bottom of my heart: thank you.
And lastly I guess I'm left with the thoughts that have been rollin' around in my head for the last week+. I've gotten lots of chances recently to see how quickly and how effectively I try to dominate the conversations I'm part of -- and I'll tell ya that it really hurts me inside, because that's not the kind of person I've ever imagined myself to be or want to be. I can't really describe what kind of pain it causes me to know that outspeak and overrun my girlfriend, that I push out other's opinions in a debate, or that at the end of a night on the phone with my mom, I've talked for an hour and there's no time left to hear what's on her heart. I know that I was pretty lonely as a little guy, and that I got left out in the cold a lot. It's one of the core parts of my woundings, but the outgrowth of that is to assert myself like a child for attention on everyone around me, and I gotta think (I know) that it wears the people around me out. I don't want to be a liability! I don't want to be that guy who calls and everyone puts on a smile and thinks 'Dave's here again...' Now whether I am that guy or not, I bear in my head and heart too much of a resemblance to him, and I want to change it. I forget what a joy I get out of just listening to people. God made me to be a restorer of people's hearts, a listener. There are very very few things after which I feel more alive than just sitting down and really listening to someone's heart. And I'd always assumed that they need to have some sort of Crisis going on in their life that required a good cup of coffee and conversation, but the truth is, if I just shut my mouth, you'd be surprised how many of those conversations you can find in a day! Today I called at least 3 people, and I just listened, and I gotta say that it was the most wonderful thing in the world. God is really workin' with me on this one, and I gotta say that facin' the music is really tough -- because the facts aren't too pretty about some of what I've done and been, but I also know that I'm someone I need to learn to give grace to as well, and that I'm learning. Lord teach me to be a humble and patient spirit.
Hehe -- patience and humility in the same prayer? I must be suicidal ;)
Wednesday, June 25
Tender voice
"I am the strength in your weakness -- the hope in your hardship. I've placed you here, and nobody can disqualify you from it -- not even yourself."
In so many ways my life is a storm right now, and I really do intent to post about it, but for this post, it enough that He is with me, that in my hardship He is present, and that there is nothing broken that cannot be made new. When God convicts us, it is always because he intends to fix what is broken. The diagnosis for cancer is always hard to take, but God never shows us what's wrong in us without holding our hand through the surgery.
...
Ah hell. I hate being vague: I'm a very controlling person, and I'm getting to see how it is hurting and dividing Rachael and I, how it makes me argumentative and stubborn at work and how it divides me from my family. I like being right, I like having an opinion, I like it when agree with my opinion and I don't like being powerless. I am terrifically stubborn and as a kid I can remember being proud about that because I thought that stubbornness meant toughness. I just... I've been really checked by the spirit about all of this, and the pain of how I see this interfering with my life drops me to my knees. Rachael deserves better than this and I want to give it to her, my coworkers and brothers do too, and so do I.
I desperately don't want it to be all about me, and I don't want to be that opinionated, argumentative and controlling person I see slipping out all too often; I want the way of humility. I want to be the one who takes the hit for something and never mentions a thing about it, who serves, and who supports the love of my life by deferring and trusting. But my actions have shown a different story, and tonight, and for the last few days, it's just hurts deep. I don't know what to tell you guys, but this is what's on my heart.
In so many ways my life is a storm right now, and I really do intent to post about it, but for this post, it enough that He is with me, that in my hardship He is present, and that there is nothing broken that cannot be made new. When God convicts us, it is always because he intends to fix what is broken. The diagnosis for cancer is always hard to take, but God never shows us what's wrong in us without holding our hand through the surgery.
...
Ah hell. I hate being vague: I'm a very controlling person, and I'm getting to see how it is hurting and dividing Rachael and I, how it makes me argumentative and stubborn at work and how it divides me from my family. I like being right, I like having an opinion, I like it when agree with my opinion and I don't like being powerless. I am terrifically stubborn and as a kid I can remember being proud about that because I thought that stubbornness meant toughness. I just... I've been really checked by the spirit about all of this, and the pain of how I see this interfering with my life drops me to my knees. Rachael deserves better than this and I want to give it to her, my coworkers and brothers do too, and so do I.
I desperately don't want it to be all about me, and I don't want to be that opinionated, argumentative and controlling person I see slipping out all too often; I want the way of humility. I want to be the one who takes the hit for something and never mentions a thing about it, who serves, and who supports the love of my life by deferring and trusting. But my actions have shown a different story, and tonight, and for the last few days, it's just hurts deep. I don't know what to tell you guys, but this is what's on my heart.
Sunday, June 22
Llama Face
So this is worth posting just because I was reminded of it after finishing my last post. Quick story for those of you who have seen The Emperor's New Groove:
The summer before I came to Fox for my freshman year, Mom took my sister and I on this trip to Disney Land. It's been awhile since we'd been and we were excited to dp a good family vacation just the three of us before I moved up here to go to school. Well, after staying the night in a hotel we drive off to Disney Land and find that it had grown quite a bit more complex than last time, especially with the addition of the California Adventure park, and we got all kinds of lost on the streets running in between the parks. And by lost, I mean power-lost, like, the streets are actually working against you kind of lost (Those new to driving in Downtown Portland may experience something similar). And out of nowhere when we're finally getting close to the mega-parking garage my Mom makes this little pouty face and says "I've got llama face". It was the funniest thing ever, and in our family, anytime someone is having a hard time of it, and wants to make that little, stick-the-lip-out sad face or what M-blog would chalk up to with his whiney 'owwwww' that he says in jest; we say they have llama face. My password experience tonight gave me llama face -- but remembering that's what we call it gave me a laugh and a grin.
Good 'ol llamas.
The summer before I came to Fox for my freshman year, Mom took my sister and I on this trip to Disney Land. It's been awhile since we'd been and we were excited to dp a good family vacation just the three of us before I moved up here to go to school. Well, after staying the night in a hotel we drive off to Disney Land and find that it had grown quite a bit more complex than last time, especially with the addition of the California Adventure park, and we got all kinds of lost on the streets running in between the parks. And by lost, I mean power-lost, like, the streets are actually working against you kind of lost (Those new to driving in Downtown Portland may experience something similar). And out of nowhere when we're finally getting close to the mega-parking garage my Mom makes this little pouty face and says "I've got llama face". It was the funniest thing ever, and in our family, anytime someone is having a hard time of it, and wants to make that little, stick-the-lip-out sad face or what M-blog would chalk up to with his whiney 'owwwww' that he says in jest; we say they have llama face. My password experience tonight gave me llama face -- but remembering that's what we call it gave me a laugh and a grin.
Good 'ol llamas.
Dante's Password Recovery
So ... I've had a lot of thoughts on my mind over the last few days and I sat down tonight to write them out in a good post. But when I tried to sign in, I needed to re-enter my password, because I've since cleared my cache and it's gone. No problemo, that's easy, until the blogging software says, "I'm sorry, but there is no e-mail address in our system like the one you typed in". I double check.. "But blogging software, I typed it in correctly" and try again. "Sorry, no." Hrm. Well I have this other google account.... so I go and find my sheowen account -- to which I've only maybe signed in once when I first created it and to to whom I also don't remember the password. No problem, I'll do google's password recovery. There, all fixed. So I jump back over to blogger and type in my e-mail address and new password confident I've cleared up this little mess. But then it says,
"Welcome Mr. Sheowen! Would you like to create a blog?"
"But I already have one" I say.
"No you don't, you need to create one"
"But I'm looking at it right here: sheowen"
And it was strange because my blog would have a 'sign out' button at the top -- but on the dashboard: no blog. So I do the next best thing: I ask for directions. I search the help center and get the forgotten password stuff sent to my account e-mail. But it appears that somehow because I changed the password using google rather than blogger, it knows enough to know I exist, but not enough to know I'm me. It knows there is a sheowen e-mail, but since the password records are different, I can't be the sheowen on file.
Because cleary that would be crazy talk.
So I navigate my way through trying to look for a 'contact support'; I get the Windows run-around:
"I have a problem"
"Well try this, did that fix it?"
"No, I need to talk to someone"
"Well, you should try this, and that'll fix it"
"But it didn't fix it and I need to talk to someone"
"But that fixes everything"
...
"Are you sure you still want to talk to someone?"
"Yes"
"We can do that, and we're going to put you in touch with our answers people. And our answers people say to try this second thing"
"I did that"
"No, you did the first thing, but you didn't do the second thing"
GAHHHAHA
I'd pull out my hair, but .. you know
So I cruise back over to my sheowen gmail account -- no emails. I wait. Nothin'. So I get to thinkin', well I wonder if they got sent to the other e-mail? So I sign onto my main account, and viola! There are two forgotten password links.
Niavely, I click them.
Thinking I'm going to reset or at least find out what my blogger account's password is
"Ohhh, so you want to reset your gmail account? Okay, an e-mail has been sent"
"Wait! No... I want to reset my blogger, not my gmail"
So now in the process of trying to solve one account, I've waxed both my blogging account and my primary e-mail account. It looks grim.
But then, when all hope seems lost, I notice that my dashboard has been updated and shows my blog: sheowen. How did that happen? It's back! And then I realize that it's tied to my gmail, and since I signed into my main account (or had) that my blog had been recognized. In fact, I realize that it was never tied to my sheowen account at all. And then I realize that... wait. My password for my blog is the same as my gmail account? Because it's tied to my gmail account?
About this time I made a lot of the "Ahh come on!" and grumbles that Ninja Bear makes so well.
Lesson Learned: Dem programmers don't always write the best of error messages
Anyway, my I time is up and I decided a laugh might be a better post than my thoughts for now -- I'll be back on soon to share those with you.
Have a good night friends
"Welcome Mr. Sheowen! Would you like to create a blog?"
"But I already have one" I say.
"No you don't, you need to create one"
"But I'm looking at it right here: sheowen"
And it was strange because my blog would have a 'sign out' button at the top -- but on the dashboard: no blog. So I do the next best thing: I ask for directions. I search the help center and get the forgotten password stuff sent to my account e-mail. But it appears that somehow because I changed the password using google rather than blogger, it knows enough to know I exist, but not enough to know I'm me. It knows there is a sheowen e-mail, but since the password records are different, I can't be the sheowen on file.
Because cleary that would be crazy talk.
So I navigate my way through trying to look for a 'contact support'; I get the Windows run-around:
"I have a problem"
"Well try this, did that fix it?"
"No, I need to talk to someone"
"Well, you should try this, and that'll fix it"
"But it didn't fix it and I need to talk to someone"
"But that fixes everything"
...
"Are you sure you still want to talk to someone?"
"Yes"
"We can do that, and we're going to put you in touch with our answers people. And our answers people say to try this second thing"
"I did that"
"No, you did the first thing, but you didn't do the second thing"
GAHHHAHA
I'd pull out my hair, but .. you know
So I cruise back over to my sheowen gmail account -- no emails. I wait. Nothin'. So I get to thinkin', well I wonder if they got sent to the other e-mail? So I sign onto my main account, and viola! There are two forgotten password links.
Niavely, I click them.
Thinking I'm going to reset or at least find out what my blogger account's password is
"Ohhh, so you want to reset your gmail account? Okay, an e-mail has been sent"
"Wait! No... I want to reset my blogger, not my gmail"
So now in the process of trying to solve one account, I've waxed both my blogging account and my primary e-mail account. It looks grim.
But then, when all hope seems lost, I notice that my dashboard has been updated and shows my blog: sheowen. How did that happen? It's back! And then I realize that it's tied to my gmail, and since I signed into my main account (or had) that my blog had been recognized. In fact, I realize that it was never tied to my sheowen account at all. And then I realize that... wait. My password for my blog is the same as my gmail account? Because it's tied to my gmail account?
About this time I made a lot of the "Ahh come on!" and grumbles that Ninja Bear makes so well.
Lesson Learned: Dem programmers don't always write the best of error messages
Anyway, my I time is up and I decided a laugh might be a better post than my thoughts for now -- I'll be back on soon to share those with you.
Have a good night friends
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