Who says we need to be in the same room to worship together? Enjoy friends.
Sunday, May 18
Take my hand Daddy, and lead me where you want me
I found my heart praying this prayer in church today. These last few days God has been showing me soooo much about .... well I'm not sure really. I don't want to say that He's been showing me some specific truth or revelation, but more like God has been allowing me to walk through some difficult and trying places, and to find flaws and hurts in myself that I didn't know the depth of. He's allowing my efforts to be frustrated and fall through. He's showing me that I'm stubborn and that I care less about things being done than them being done my way. I'm seeing that I resist authority because I don't trust it. I'm seeing that the reason I want a new job is because I equate a dollar figure with a provision and security that is only meant to come from God alone, and that I want to provide for my family by being the provider, rather than allowing the real provider to work through me. All lessons, and all character issues that would normally be tough to take in. But in all this, I have this complete peace and trust in what He's up to in my life, honestly in a way I've never experienced before. This time I feel like I'm being let in on a secret of something God is shaping me for, and I'm really excited about it. I feel him preparing me for leadership, and with his gentle hands, using the hard path to weed out the things in me that would get in the way. He's grinding down my hard points, and gently showing me the stubbornness, pride, and worldly thinking that still have such hold on me, but also He's removing them. I feel like I've finally stepped into his cool and calming presence, after being out in the hot sun working myself to exhaustion. He's leaning over and showing me the X-rays and saying, 'see this here, we're going to have to go in and get this out of you so that you can be all ready for what I have and want for you' With one hand he's holding mine, and with the other he's performing the surgery. 'It'll be alright' he says, 'you're doing so well, just hang in there alright?' Maybe that's what's different this time around, that I having such trouble putting into words -- I've always avoided the surgeries before, and I've tried to fix things myself, but this time I've heard his words, and I'm facing the road ahead of me with courage. I don't know all of what God is up to but I know that I trust the process and road He has for me, and not just the results of that road. I trust the journey He's got me on and not just the destination. And I know that He's right here with me, smiling at me and delighting in the process we're going through together -- 'I go with you' He keeps saying, letting me know that I can't do anything alone. I feel right now like I'm heading into the spiritual OR, but I'm okay, in fact I'm at total peace.
"Take my hand Daddy .. lead me where you want me"
"Take my hand Daddy .. lead me where you want me"
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Sunday, May 4
Though I go into the depths...
'You will still be with me'
Or so says the Psalmist.
It's been a rough and tumble few days. With Rachael gone in Italy I've found myself largely alone, and with a roomate who's recently moved out, my place a pretty lonely one right now. I've also had some pretty serious financial troubles -- with Tim moving out I can't afford to stay where I live now, and with no prospects for another job, no supplemental income, and no other roomates itchin' to move in, I'll run out of money (and subsequently a place to live) at the end of this month. Understandably, it's had me stressed, but then there's more to it. It seems like everywhere I turn someone is getting a new job, or God is coming through for them in some neat ways, but for me it's all seemed like darkness. Nothing is stirring -- I've applied in vain, I posted a cry for help on my church's message board and there's been no responses, everyone I've called doesn't need a place to stay, every job doesn't seem to lead anywhere. I've been fighting against despair.
I came to church today, trying not to feel bitter about the lack of responses, despite the fact that in my heart, I know that God had told me to be still and to wait, that He would provide, but I've been running around with my hair on fire and haven't been able to figure out why. Pastor John did tell me that he'd seen my post and asked if anyone had responded yet and I said no -- I'd checked just moments before going to church. In worship I was really able to find freedom and to release things to God, but it left me with some many questions, as did the message. We talked about Idols, and many of our modern day idols revolve around power, and for that ultimately money. We like being in control, we like choosing what car we'll drive, where we'll live, and what our lives will look like. Another idol is pleasure, and I already know that's in my pantheon. And yet another is people, and how we can try to find importance by being around famous people, or by being on TV. If I can just get on this show, then I'll matter. For me it's been my spiritual heroes -- If I can just have it together like they did right? If I can just love people like Johny did, know the bible like Karissa, or be as in touch with God as Matt Cox. And I know that I want to be like them for the wrong reasons, I want to know the bible not to know God, but so I can be like Karissa, because if I'm like her, then I'll acceptable before Him and myself.
I drove the McMinville today thinking about that -- about the pantheon of Idols I hold unto so closely. I've had so many questions today. Is God frustrating my Job search because I've made an idol of money and power? Have I? Is God calling me to full time ministry and this is his way of saying so? How will I provide for my future family if all this falls through? What am I to do if I am going into full time ministry? What will Rachael think? What will the people I need approval from, what will they say and why do I care so much anyway? There's so part of me that's sure, that's just sure that once I surrender all that stuff, once I let go of the reigns, God is going to send me to Africa, or call me to give up everything that He's revealed to my heart and given me as desires for my future.
I knew I needed a day with him, so I did. I surrendered. You take all this stuff I said, and I'll follow you, though I'm pretty terrified I admitted with weak laughter through my tears.
Isn't it funny how we can have God pegged so wrong?
I took a walk in the Park and sat on a Bench in the sunshine, and God spoke with clarity through the howling dark that has been my day; He told me that I misunderstand his heart, because if I knew his heart I wouldn't have anything to fear -- that I was so afraid that he's out to get me, and I've drawn up 1000 and 1 conclusions about what he's trying to say, and He calms me down and says that maybe He's not saying all that; He gently tells me I'm freaking out and He holds me. And God asked me about a time, a time I can't remember precisely, but sometime 2 or 3 years ago when I made a subtle agreement -- an agreement that God wasn't present with me. You see, I grew up in an empty Christian house, our walls were painted Christian but Christ didn't reach to the insides -- we were run by practical fears, concerns and earthly worries. We had Christ as a label and afterthought -- he was savior but not Lord. And I realize I've been trying to do so much of my life on my own -- all by myself. And not because I'm prideful, not because I think I'm a hotshot, but because from how I grew up and the agreements I've made, I haven't really expected God to be present. He cares sure, but whether or not he'll intervene at my moment of despair.... I don't know. I've walked through all kinds of dark nights of the soul, and most of them have felt awfully lonely. But in that Park today, I had to admit in some deep way that I was wrong, to rescind that agreement, to take it back and burn it -- to cast it from my heart's thinking. God is here, regardless of whether or not I feel like He is, He is. He is present. I realize that I tried to do it alone because I thought I was alone -- and God gently reminded me how silly it was to think that I could be. You're not alone He says, I am with you.
In the thinking I've done in between that afternoon in the park and tonight when I write, I realize that I've built up a certain way of doing a thing -- a thought in my mind for what establishing a family meant. I've been hurt because God hasn't moved in the plans I've been making, until today I realize that I've run out ahead of him. He's been moving, but not to the beat of my drums. There's a neat story right in 2nd Samuel 6 (at least I think it's 6, it's right around there at any rate) that David becomes king and the Philistines march up and camp out in this valley to make war on him. David asks God, 'shall I go take them out' and God says, 'yep', and so he does and the Philistines suffer huge losses. But they have the gusto to come back for a second round, and so David asks of the Lord again, 'shall I go take them out', but this time God says "Do not go straight up, but circle around behind them and attack them in front of the balsam trees. As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, move quickly, because that will mean the LORD has gone out in front of you to strike the Philistine army." (2nd Samuel 5:23).
I didn't wait for the marching at the tops of the trees.
It's such a simple thing... but it's cost me.
As I got home tonight I've tried to remember that God didn't discourage the direction or goals I've set for myself, even when I asked him today if He wanted to -- but He did say 'take care of your living situation first, I will provide a roomate for you.' As tonight has ground on, I've been reminded by a patient friend, that hard times are common to us all. I've always equated the hard times with something being wrong and I've given up too easily. But in this journey of faith hard times will come -- what distinguishes those who succeed vs failing or giving way to the darkness or despair, is simply a matter of perseverance, or as Samwise Gamgee so wisely puts at the end of the Two Towers, 'people in those stories had lots of chances to turn back only they didn't -- they were holdin' onto something; that there's some good in this world Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for.' All does not end in darkness and shadow, nor in homelessness and joblessness -- regardless of how much it may seem like that. The great stories are always showing us that just when it seems certain the darkness has won the light triumphs. As Christians, we're holding onto the hope of heaven, and the resurrection and good that's waiting us there -- and we spread the hope to a world abandoned to shadow saying, there's reason to hope, there's a reason to fight, there's a reason to not just roll over a die. There's something here worth fighting for.
It helps that after 8:00 tonight I got a rather unexpected call from Dan Hammerquist, a recent graduate of George Fox.
He needs a roomate.
Forgive me Lord -- I'm so quick to think you've gone and run off on me, but here again you remind me that shadow and darkness is not the end you've promised us. Keep reminding me, and build in my heart a character that knows the good that's worth fighting for, that knows that we all make mistakes and have our trials, but you are no less by our side for them -- that knows that you are here in our darkest hours, and that darkness has lost it's claim on us -- it's just a passing thing. Plant and cultivate in us hearts that groan and long for our heavenly home -- in the hope of that Lord, and in light of your character and love, we can endure anything.
Praise you Lord! Let my life be an offering to you through both the good times and the hard ones -- Lord blessed be your name.
Or so says the Psalmist.
It's been a rough and tumble few days. With Rachael gone in Italy I've found myself largely alone, and with a roomate who's recently moved out, my place a pretty lonely one right now. I've also had some pretty serious financial troubles -- with Tim moving out I can't afford to stay where I live now, and with no prospects for another job, no supplemental income, and no other roomates itchin' to move in, I'll run out of money (and subsequently a place to live) at the end of this month. Understandably, it's had me stressed, but then there's more to it. It seems like everywhere I turn someone is getting a new job, or God is coming through for them in some neat ways, but for me it's all seemed like darkness. Nothing is stirring -- I've applied in vain, I posted a cry for help on my church's message board and there's been no responses, everyone I've called doesn't need a place to stay, every job doesn't seem to lead anywhere. I've been fighting against despair.
I came to church today, trying not to feel bitter about the lack of responses, despite the fact that in my heart, I know that God had told me to be still and to wait, that He would provide, but I've been running around with my hair on fire and haven't been able to figure out why. Pastor John did tell me that he'd seen my post and asked if anyone had responded yet and I said no -- I'd checked just moments before going to church. In worship I was really able to find freedom and to release things to God, but it left me with some many questions, as did the message. We talked about Idols, and many of our modern day idols revolve around power, and for that ultimately money. We like being in control, we like choosing what car we'll drive, where we'll live, and what our lives will look like. Another idol is pleasure, and I already know that's in my pantheon. And yet another is people, and how we can try to find importance by being around famous people, or by being on TV. If I can just get on this show, then I'll matter. For me it's been my spiritual heroes -- If I can just have it together like they did right? If I can just love people like Johny did, know the bible like Karissa, or be as in touch with God as Matt Cox. And I know that I want to be like them for the wrong reasons, I want to know the bible not to know God, but so I can be like Karissa, because if I'm like her, then I'll acceptable before Him and myself.
I drove the McMinville today thinking about that -- about the pantheon of Idols I hold unto so closely. I've had so many questions today. Is God frustrating my Job search because I've made an idol of money and power? Have I? Is God calling me to full time ministry and this is his way of saying so? How will I provide for my future family if all this falls through? What am I to do if I am going into full time ministry? What will Rachael think? What will the people I need approval from, what will they say and why do I care so much anyway? There's so part of me that's sure, that's just sure that once I surrender all that stuff, once I let go of the reigns, God is going to send me to Africa, or call me to give up everything that He's revealed to my heart and given me as desires for my future.
I knew I needed a day with him, so I did. I surrendered. You take all this stuff I said, and I'll follow you, though I'm pretty terrified I admitted with weak laughter through my tears.
Isn't it funny how we can have God pegged so wrong?
I took a walk in the Park and sat on a Bench in the sunshine, and God spoke with clarity through the howling dark that has been my day; He told me that I misunderstand his heart, because if I knew his heart I wouldn't have anything to fear -- that I was so afraid that he's out to get me, and I've drawn up 1000 and 1 conclusions about what he's trying to say, and He calms me down and says that maybe He's not saying all that; He gently tells me I'm freaking out and He holds me. And God asked me about a time, a time I can't remember precisely, but sometime 2 or 3 years ago when I made a subtle agreement -- an agreement that God wasn't present with me. You see, I grew up in an empty Christian house, our walls were painted Christian but Christ didn't reach to the insides -- we were run by practical fears, concerns and earthly worries. We had Christ as a label and afterthought -- he was savior but not Lord. And I realize I've been trying to do so much of my life on my own -- all by myself. And not because I'm prideful, not because I think I'm a hotshot, but because from how I grew up and the agreements I've made, I haven't really expected God to be present. He cares sure, but whether or not he'll intervene at my moment of despair.... I don't know. I've walked through all kinds of dark nights of the soul, and most of them have felt awfully lonely. But in that Park today, I had to admit in some deep way that I was wrong, to rescind that agreement, to take it back and burn it -- to cast it from my heart's thinking. God is here, regardless of whether or not I feel like He is, He is. He is present. I realize that I tried to do it alone because I thought I was alone -- and God gently reminded me how silly it was to think that I could be. You're not alone He says, I am with you.
In the thinking I've done in between that afternoon in the park and tonight when I write, I realize that I've built up a certain way of doing a thing -- a thought in my mind for what establishing a family meant. I've been hurt because God hasn't moved in the plans I've been making, until today I realize that I've run out ahead of him. He's been moving, but not to the beat of my drums. There's a neat story right in 2nd Samuel 6 (at least I think it's 6, it's right around there at any rate) that David becomes king and the Philistines march up and camp out in this valley to make war on him. David asks God, 'shall I go take them out' and God says, 'yep', and so he does and the Philistines suffer huge losses. But they have the gusto to come back for a second round, and so David asks of the Lord again, 'shall I go take them out', but this time God says "Do not go straight up, but circle around behind them and attack them in front of the balsam trees. As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, move quickly, because that will mean the LORD has gone out in front of you to strike the Philistine army." (2nd Samuel 5:23).
I didn't wait for the marching at the tops of the trees.
It's such a simple thing... but it's cost me.
As I got home tonight I've tried to remember that God didn't discourage the direction or goals I've set for myself, even when I asked him today if He wanted to -- but He did say 'take care of your living situation first, I will provide a roomate for you.' As tonight has ground on, I've been reminded by a patient friend, that hard times are common to us all. I've always equated the hard times with something being wrong and I've given up too easily. But in this journey of faith hard times will come -- what distinguishes those who succeed vs failing or giving way to the darkness or despair, is simply a matter of perseverance, or as Samwise Gamgee so wisely puts at the end of the Two Towers, 'people in those stories had lots of chances to turn back only they didn't -- they were holdin' onto something; that there's some good in this world Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for.' All does not end in darkness and shadow, nor in homelessness and joblessness -- regardless of how much it may seem like that. The great stories are always showing us that just when it seems certain the darkness has won the light triumphs. As Christians, we're holding onto the hope of heaven, and the resurrection and good that's waiting us there -- and we spread the hope to a world abandoned to shadow saying, there's reason to hope, there's a reason to fight, there's a reason to not just roll over a die. There's something here worth fighting for.
It helps that after 8:00 tonight I got a rather unexpected call from Dan Hammerquist, a recent graduate of George Fox.
He needs a roomate.
Forgive me Lord -- I'm so quick to think you've gone and run off on me, but here again you remind me that shadow and darkness is not the end you've promised us. Keep reminding me, and build in my heart a character that knows the good that's worth fighting for, that knows that we all make mistakes and have our trials, but you are no less by our side for them -- that knows that you are here in our darkest hours, and that darkness has lost it's claim on us -- it's just a passing thing. Plant and cultivate in us hearts that groan and long for our heavenly home -- in the hope of that Lord, and in light of your character and love, we can endure anything.
Praise you Lord! Let my life be an offering to you through both the good times and the hard ones -- Lord blessed be your name.
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