I found my heart praying this prayer in church today. These last few days God has been showing me soooo much about .... well I'm not sure really. I don't want to say that He's been showing me some specific truth or revelation, but more like God has been allowing me to walk through some difficult and trying places, and to find flaws and hurts in myself that I didn't know the depth of. He's allowing my efforts to be frustrated and fall through. He's showing me that I'm stubborn and that I care less about things being done than them being done my way. I'm seeing that I resist authority because I don't trust it. I'm seeing that the reason I want a new job is because I equate a dollar figure with a provision and security that is only meant to come from God alone, and that I want to provide for my family by being the provider, rather than allowing the real provider to work through me. All lessons, and all character issues that would normally be tough to take in. But in all this, I have this complete peace and trust in what He's up to in my life, honestly in a way I've never experienced before. This time I feel like I'm being let in on a secret of something God is shaping me for, and I'm really excited about it. I feel him preparing me for leadership, and with his gentle hands, using the hard path to weed out the things in me that would get in the way. He's grinding down my hard points, and gently showing me the stubbornness, pride, and worldly thinking that still have such hold on me, but also He's removing them. I feel like I've finally stepped into his cool and calming presence, after being out in the hot sun working myself to exhaustion. He's leaning over and showing me the X-rays and saying, 'see this here, we're going to have to go in and get this out of you so that you can be all ready for what I have and want for you' With one hand he's holding mine, and with the other he's performing the surgery. 'It'll be alright' he says, 'you're doing so well, just hang in there alright?' Maybe that's what's different this time around, that I having such trouble putting into words -- I've always avoided the surgeries before, and I've tried to fix things myself, but this time I've heard his words, and I'm facing the road ahead of me with courage. I don't know all of what God is up to but I know that I trust the process and road He has for me, and not just the results of that road. I trust the journey He's got me on and not just the destination. And I know that He's right here with me, smiling at me and delighting in the process we're going through together -- 'I go with you' He keeps saying, letting me know that I can't do anything alone. I feel right now like I'm heading into the spiritual OR, but I'm okay, in fact I'm at total peace.
"Take my hand Daddy .. lead me where you want me"
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